Holding this close to my heart

Action trumps depression. Confronted with a situation in which our feelings of powerlessness are more than just feelings, we choose to fight the odds, as an existential statement. We bellow our savage war cry in the face of the Roman Legions. We swim against the tidal wave. We attack Goliath with a slingshot, and throw stones at a Sherman tank, and ravage ICBMs with our ball peen hammer. We actively reject the reality of our helplessness; and as we assert defiance, we fan the embers of humanity wherever they live within ourselves and our brothers and sisters.
- Josh Mitteldorf

Candle Study

I have a picture in my mind that I'd like to get into the camera. Tonight I took the first step by conducting a candle study in which I played around with the ISO speed. Although I really like the grainy effect in some of these pictures, it's not what I'm looking for in the final image. It seems as though a tripod is my future.

ISO 100

ISO 600

Candle through the fog

ISO 800

ISO 800

I still need to play around with this some more. Leave a comment if you have any tips on shooting in low light.

Sick of being sick

It's been a very long couple of weeks. Zoe was the first to get sick. Then Paige. Then me. I came down with a fever 9 days ago. 9 fucking days ago and I'm still sick! The previous weekend, I cared for 2 sick children, while I had a fever, for more than 72 hours without a break. Taking care of sick children while being sick was one of the greatest fears that I had going into the divorce. Well, somehow I made it through. And there's something gratifying about doing something that you didn't think you could handle. It makes the other day-to-day shit look like a walk in the park.

Both the girls have a bit of a lingering cough but are mostly well. I'm still feeling sickish. Before this weekend, I haven't had much of a chance to take care of myself. And of course my immune system weakened by stress and lack of sleep doesn't help either.

I'm under a tremendous amount of stress, and have been for months. It's not going to get better anytime soon.

Despite everything, there are some positive things going on right now. But today I'm feeling down. Way down. I'm worried because I know that getting sick is a major trigger for depression with me. I'm crying a lot. Does that mean that I'm getting depressed or that I need to release some pent up emotions? I wish I knew. I don't feel completely hopeless, and that's good.

I need to remember some mantras:
- I can handle stress. I can deal with difficult people.
- I can see that this is temporary.
- I have faith that things are as they need to be. I will remember that sometimes pain is necessary to propel movement forward.
- There are people who love me, care about me, and want happiness for me.
- I am an agent of change.
- I am a force to be reckoned with.
- I have the power to live my life as I wish.
- I am not alone.

As a side note: I need work. If you know of anyone looking for someone with experience in online, email, and social media marketing hook me up.

Just fucking shoot me

Fever for 2 days.
Caring for sick children 7 days.

I need a nap desperately.

I'm done.

Isn't it the moment of most profound doubt that gives birth to new certainties? Perhaps hopelessness is the very soil that nourishes human hope; perhaps one could never find sense in life without first experiencing its absurdity...

– Vaclav Havel

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. Today will be even worse. Today is the day I tell my kids that the life they know is over. Please give me strength.

Miro

Today I had to make the difficult decision to say goodbye to Miro.

Miro you will always be a part of our family. I'll always remember how you smelled like a cross between campfire smoke and the deep woods, and how you always knew when I was pregnant even before I did.

I'm honored that you chose me to be your owner for the last 13 years. I'll miss you.