Beautiful Life

The Corporeal Soul turns sadness into preciousness and beauty.

- The Web That Has No Weaver

I stumbled across this gem today. I wanted to include an image with the quote, but it proved to be too difficult a task to find a sad image whose beauty was greater than it's sadness.

Anyway. This is mine.

I'm going to get a job soon. I can feel it. Maybe by the end of next week. Let's do this!

Dear Insomnia

Dear Insomnia,

We've had a relationship for some time now. The first time you came into my life I was 14 years old. Since then you have been a dreaded companion, leaving and always returning at the worst possible moments. You take away my energy, and in exchange give me dark circles under my eyes. But I think it's time for me to reevaluate the way I see you.

Last night, as I took Melatonin, after Melatonin, after Melatonin, after Melatonin, and still sleep did not come, a thought occurred to me. Maybe it's the lack of sleep turned to delirium (it has been 5 nights since I've slept), but I think I might have had it all wrong.

You've always be there for me when times where tough. I can count on you above all others to be by my side through the most difficult periods of my life. I don't fully understand your ways, but you give me time to ponder and evaluate my own ways, and where I am.

In Chinese medicine, insomnia is a sign of a disturbance in the Heart. Insomnia does seem more prevalent when my heart is heavy.

The last 3 days I have been alone, not in a real way, but more in an intellectual(?) way. I have talked to friends on the phone, I have emailed, texted, and been on Facebook, but my real life connections have been limited to very brief conversations while checking out at a store and the like. I have spent 95% of my time alone in my apartment. For someone like me who needs face to face contact, it's a strange place to be. Insomnia, you have almost doubled that time. I must need it right now, so that I can find my way to my proper path. It's becoming more clear, slowly. For the first time in my life, I have absolutely no regrets.

I'm also thankful to my friend Wellburtin, for keeping the depression at bay. When I go to those very sad places, I can come back out of them without getting stuck in the muck. I can even listen to those sad, sad songs that I love so much, and don't listen to often enough. I am forever grateful.

So Insomnia, I'm making my peace with you. I welcome you into my life. I will patiently wait to observe where you will take me. From now on I will call you my friend, and not my enemy.

Love,

Nikki

Interview Hell

In less than a 24 hour time period, I found out that 3 companies who I had been interviewing with have declined to offer me a job.

Under different circumstance maybe this wouldn't be a big deal, but in my current living situation this is huge.

Job #1 - An online community management position with a know (and profitable) website. The job was half a mile from my house (I could have biked to work!), had great benefits, and a friendly work environment. An excellent job in almost every way. I was interviewed twice by the staffing agency. On a Wednesday afternoon, I interviewed with the hiring VP. At the end of the interview he gave me the task of creating an entire marketing plan and presenting it to all of the company VPs that Friday morning. I had a little more than a day to complete this task. On Friday morning, I showed up at 8:45. I had an interview, and then gave a one-hour powerpoint presentation to the top executives, all of whom interviewed me one-on-one that day. I was there until almost 4pm. These where not easy interviews. I was grilled on my marketing plan and made to defend it under a microscope by a group of very intelligent people. At 6pm that same day, I was by their HR rep telling me that they were very impressed with me and would like me to come in the following week to interview with the CEO. I was hoping that this was a formality, that the interview would be a little bit of him telling me more about the company and the position, some questions about my background and why I wanted to work there, etc. I thought I had this job. The interview with Mr CEO was slatted for one hour. It was not at all what I expected. The interview felt more like a police interrogation than an interview. He said that he wanted to start with college and go through every job I've had up until today. I had no idea the level of detail he wanted.

- Why did you choose to go to this school? What other schools did you consider?
- Why did you choose your major?
- What was your favorite class? What was your grade in that class? What was the teacher's name?
- What was your least favorite class? What activities did you do while you were in school?
- Why did you take this job?
- Why did you leave?
- What projects did you work on? What are the names of the people who worked on the project with you?
- Why did you move from Dallas to New York? Why did you move at that time?

And on, and on, and on. For over 2 hours! Explain to me the purpose of asking me the name of a colleague who I worked with 8 years ago. Why is this information relevant? How does it convey whether or not I will be able to perform the job duties of the position that I'm interviewing for? What is the fucking point of an interview like this?

He gave no response to any of my answers, only wrote down everything I said, and moved on to the next question.

Almost a week later I find out that they are not offering me a job.

I can't believe it. After all of that work; nothing. This was the job I was counting on to come through.

What baffles me more than anything else is why it takes a company 11 interviews to figure out that I'm not the right person for the job. WTF people?

Job # 2 - A strange hybrid position, part account manager/part marketing strategist/part technical developer, for a growing agency. This place was strange. This marketing job reported to the CIO. My second interview was with the CFO, which is even stranger because this position has NOTHING to do with finance, but I did get a good story out of it. To goes something like this:
Instead of asking me about my background and why I'm qualified for the job, the guy wants me to do one thing: create a full sales pitch for the job I'm interviewing for. I now understand why I'm interviewing with the CFO. He wants to know how to monetize the work. During the course of this "interview" almost every sentence he says begins with, "When I was the CEO of a *very big* company...", and gives me a look and a sly smile to make sure that I know he was the CEO of a *very big* company. Yeah, I get it. It was a big, hard, company. Classy. This was the first time that I was flirted with during an interview. Very awkward.

The next week I was called in to meet with the CEO (BTW - What the fuck is up with CEO's interviewing people? When did this start becoming the norm?). This interview was more in line with what I had expected from the CEO interview for job #1. It was 30 mins long. He told me a little about the company, asked me a few questions about myself, and it was over. The only annoying part was this question:

"In the next 20 seconds tell me 10 to 15 adjectives that describe yourself. Go!"

Honestly, what information does this give an employer about me? How fast I think on my feet? How well I bullshit? What do they want to find out by asking this question?

It feels like something you would ask a game show contestant to trip them up. Really, when it comes down to it, most of the questions in interviews have this same feel. Is this a game to companies? Do these people get off on making people feel uncomfortable and getting them to jump through hoops for no pay?

Job #3 - a temp email marketing position filling in for someone while they are on maternity leave. The only downside to this job was that it was for 3 months. I was upfront and told them that I was waiting to hear back from two full time positions, but if neither of them came through that I would like to take this one. The company filled this role the same day I found out about job #1, a day before I found out about job #2.

I have been actively looking for full time work since January. I got a contract job in April. They didn't pay me for my work, and I've filed suit against them in California. I have been on at least 40 interviews, probably more. I have gotten to 3rd, 4th, and 10th interviews with companies. In the end they all go with other candidates.

At this point, I'm wondering if the universe is trying to tell me something. I think I need to find a new profession. Maybe I should go back to my plan of going back to school to get my master's in acupuncture, which means graduating with six figures of debt. and living in with that debt for the next 20+ years.

I don't know what to do. I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills next month. I'm sure I'll find a way, since I always do, but it's so stressful. The next step is lying about my experience to get a waitressing or bartending gig.

People tell me that there's a better job around the corner. I'm trying to stay optimistic. I really am. I just don't think I can do this for much longer.

Holding this close to my heart

Action trumps depression. Confronted with a situation in which our feelings of powerlessness are more than just feelings, we choose to fight the odds, as an existential statement. We bellow our savage war cry in the face of the Roman Legions. We swim against the tidal wave. We attack Goliath with a slingshot, and throw stones at a Sherman tank, and ravage ICBMs with our ball peen hammer. We actively reject the reality of our helplessness; and as we assert defiance, we fan the embers of humanity wherever they live within ourselves and our brothers and sisters.
- Josh Mitteldorf

Sick of being sick

It's been a very long couple of weeks. Zoe was the first to get sick. Then Paige. Then me. I came down with a fever 9 days ago. 9 fucking days ago and I'm still sick! The previous weekend, I cared for 2 sick children, while I had a fever, for more than 72 hours without a break. Taking care of sick children while being sick was one of the greatest fears that I had going into the divorce. Well, somehow I made it through. And there's something gratifying about doing something that you didn't think you could handle. It makes the other day-to-day shit look like a walk in the park.

Both the girls have a bit of a lingering cough but are mostly well. I'm still feeling sickish. Before this weekend, I haven't had much of a chance to take care of myself. And of course my immune system weakened by stress and lack of sleep doesn't help either.

I'm under a tremendous amount of stress, and have been for months. It's not going to get better anytime soon.

Despite everything, there are some positive things going on right now. But today I'm feeling down. Way down. I'm worried because I know that getting sick is a major trigger for depression with me. I'm crying a lot. Does that mean that I'm getting depressed or that I need to release some pent up emotions? I wish I knew. I don't feel completely hopeless, and that's good.

I need to remember some mantras:
- I can handle stress. I can deal with difficult people.
- I can see that this is temporary.
- I have faith that things are as they need to be. I will remember that sometimes pain is necessary to propel movement forward.
- There are people who love me, care about me, and want happiness for me.
- I am an agent of change.
- I am a force to be reckoned with.
- I have the power to live my life as I wish.
- I am not alone.

As a side note: I need work. If you know of anyone looking for someone with experience in online, email, and social media marketing hook me up.

Miro

Today I had to make the difficult decision to say goodbye to Miro.

Miro you will always be a part of our family. I'll always remember how you smelled like a cross between campfire smoke and the deep woods, and how you always knew when I was pregnant even before I did.

I'm honored that you chose me to be your owner for the last 13 years. I'll miss you.

What are you grateful for?

Frankie

Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday, for many reasons that I won't get into here, followed closely by Christmas. I don't look forward to it, and I especially wasn't this year because holidays have a way of amplifying any issues that are going on within a family.

The day was unexpected. The day turned out ok.

We got to spend the day with a sweet little chihuahua named Frankie. He's our neighbors escape artist dog who we find in our yard at least a couple of times a month. His owners still haven't picked him up so it looks like he'll be staying the night.

This morning Sophie snuck out and killed a bird. It was a little male chickadee. We buried him in the backyard. Most of us (maybe all of us) don't appreciate what we have until it is taken from us. Death has a way of changing my perspective instantly.

Lately I've been caught up in the dangerous and dark side of self-reflection. It's time to break that with gratitude so here goes...

I am grateful for being able to sleep in this morning and waking up on my own.

I am grateful for a day of peace after 6 weeks of fighting.

I am grateful for two miraculous souls named Zoe and Paige, and the light and wisdom they bring into my life.

I am grateful for the opportunity to teach my kids about life and death.

I am grateful for knowing what it's like to fall madly in love, even if it didn't have a fairy tale ending.

I am grateful for the wonderful and amazing people who will always be a part of my life and seem to move in and out of it with perfect timing.

I am grateful for great friends whose friendship cannot be weakened by time or distance.

I am grateful that I've found long lost hope.

I am grateful that I learned to cook and that it's so easy to be a vegetarian in this moment in history. (And dairy-free pumpkin pie, yum)

I am grateful that in this moment, without looking back at the deep sadness of the last many days, and without the fear that comes with the unknowns that are about to happen, everything is alright.

I am grateful for music, art, and dreams that are with me at every step lighting my path.

I am grateful for being human. For the ability to FEEL even if that means pain.

I am grateful that there are people who I haven't met who will change my life and I will change theirs in return.

I am grateful for knowing what I want.


What are you grateful for?

Transition

I'm in a state of transition. Flux. Fuck.

One moment I feel strong, confident. The next I'm full of guilt, hopelessness, fear. Then anger. Then hurt. It cycles too quickly. I can't get grounded. Is it even possible to move forward when you're spinning?

And how is it possible that no matter what I'm feeling there is a song that captures that emotion perfectly? Maybe I'm just lucky that way. Radiohead has been my constant companion for the last few weeks. This weekend I discovered an album by them that I had never heard, because I don't keep up with music, and there's a song that hits right to the nerve. Lyrics. Everything.

I'm on Flickr - http://www.flickr.com/photos/logosknitter/ - working through my shit through photography. I'm raw, so please be kind if you choose to comment.

Holy Shit

I'm getting divorced.

I'm a dork

Yesterday I answer the door. It's a neighbor looking for his dog. He doesn't make eye contact and seems to be in a hurry. I walk back inside look in the mirror. It seems that I forgot that Zoe had made me into a fairy elf just a few hours before. Yep. I'm a dork :)

Cleanse Days 9-15

Life has a way of turning you on your head when you least expect it. That just happened to take place at the end of the cleanse.

Days 9-11 were very good days. I wasn't hungry all the time. On day 10 I started phase 2 which included one grain dish per day. I moved on to phase 3, which includes proteins, on day 13 or 14.

Unexpectedly, I found that after day 9 I witnessed a huge shift within myself. I needed to speak and live truthfully.

Normally I consider myself a truthful person, but if someone causally asks me how I'm doing I don't always come out with the whole truth. Most of the time they really don't want to know anyway, they are just making conversation. My standard answer to "how are you doing" is "good". Well on day 9 that changed. Truth starting spilling out and it didn't stop. I made a BIG fucking mess. Even 2 weeks later it's still a big fucking mess.

But it's been a long time coming. At least it's all out there in the open. There is a lightness that comes with speaking the truth.

This cleanse was WAY more than I had anticipated on so many levels. Decisions need to be made, and will be in the coming week.

"With every mistake we must surely be learning" - right?

Follow your bliss

Moyers: Do you ever have this sense when you are following your bliss, as I have at moments, of being helped by hidden hands?

Campbell: All the time. It is miraculous. I even have a superstition that has grown on me as a result of invisible hands coming all the time -- namely, that if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.

-- Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyors, The Power of Myth

I've applied to graduate school to study acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine. I have an admissions interview in a couple of weeks. If I am accepted I'll start school in January.

It's hard for me to see how I'm going to be able to go to school full time for the next 4 years, continue working part time, continue being a mom full time, and all of the other things that go along with life. But acupuncture is the best job in the world, and I whole hearty feel that this is what I'm meant to do. So I'll have faith that somehow everything will work out while I follow my bliss.

Love

After explaining to Zoe that the phrase "love conquers all" means that there's nothing stronger than love, she replies:

"I'm full of love.

Paige is full of love, too.

I think kids have more love than grownups"

Fire

Last weekend the family and I were in Dallas visiting friends and family. We celebrated my aunt's 60th birthday and our friend Miles' 1st birthday. We also got to see my Dad's new house in the country. It was an event packed 4 days and by Sunday morning we were all ready to come home and relax.

We got back to Austin around 4p and hit some really bad traffic once we got in to Oak Hill a couple of miles before our house. We sat and sat and sat as police cars zoomed past us. I figured there was an accident up ahead. Then we got closer to the "Y" and saw all of the smoke. It looked like a bad fire but we didn't think much of it. We also notice the helicopters. Lots of them.

We turned on to the residential street that leads into our neighborhood and there was a police car blocking the road that we turn on to get to our house. At this point I'm trying not to jump to conclusions. We go the long way to our house and when we get to the point to turn on to our street there's another police car blocking the road. I got out of the car and ask the police if we can go through to our house. A very angry police officer yells at me that there is a fire that I can not go to my house, I can not get my cats, and to get out of the road because I'm blocking traffic.

We pull the car to the side of the road on Scenic Brook and I start talking to others who are waiting to see whats going on. A few people told me that the fire was on streets that are all north of our house. I figure we're ok. However at this point there are Air Force planes dropping red powder from the sky.

Skip decides that he's going to sneak up the creek that runs parallel to the road just south of our house and see if he can get the cats out before the fire moves south.

The girls are restless sitting in the car so we go out to talk to people and say hi to all their pets. It was nice to talk with so many neighbors that I hadn't meet before, but talking with them I find out that the fire isn't where we thought it was. It had started in the large greenbelt that's about 200 ft south of our house. The entire greenbelt was on fire and it was moving north.

At this point I am mentally freaking out because Skip is going directly into the fire. I look at my phone to see if he's called and I see that I have 5 new messages. One was from our friend and neighbor who lives 2 houses down saying that she's been putting out fires on her lawn for an hour before she had to leave. The next was from my neighbor up the cul-de-sac saying that she was putting out fires in OUR lawn and that the police made them leave and she left our water hose on. Another couple of messages are from friends checking to make sure I've evacuated the house and that we're safe. These calls were from 3 or 4 hours ago. At this point I'm pretty convinced that our house is gone.

I call Skip and it rings and rings and rings and goes to voicemail. I try again in 10 mins. Same thing. Now I'm thinking that Skip isn't coming back. I'm trying not to freak out as Zoe keeps asking me over and over why we can't go home.

Over an hour goes by of me and the girls watching the helicopters drop water, and airplanes dropping fire retardant, and talking with neighbors before Skip comes walking back. He said that it got too hot and he could feel ash on his face so he turned back. Holy shit!!! As an interesting side note, he wasn't the only one to get the idea of walking down the creek. He made some "creek buddies" while on his walk and one of them gave us a ride to our car later that night.

Waiting and more waiting. And the girls are going nuts. We keep hearing reports that the fire is 80% contained, 90% contained, 95% contained, but they weren't letting us through to our house.

Finally at around 8p they let us walk through the police barricade (they didn't want cars driving over the water hoses). Skip went ahead to go check on the cats and the house. At this point the girls had have it. They were in the car all day, waiting for hours in the street, and hadn't eaten dinner. Paige was at the end of her rope and was refusing to walk on the side of the street (firetrucks and emergency vehicles are still zooming around). I don't even know how long it took to walk that quarter mile. While we were walking Skip called to tell us that our house was still standing and that the cats were alright.

When we got to the house there were 4 or 5 firetrucks parked directly in front of our house, and many of the firefighters were resting on our stone wall. As we walk up they ask if this is our house. They tell me that we were seconds from losing it. Our next door neighbor's wood pile caught fire, which is about 6 inches from our fence. They said that they barely put it out in time. Then said neighbor walks by and says that he put out a fire in our trash can that's right up next to the house.

When we walk inside the house is full of smoke and the power is out. It's hard to see. Zoe starts freaking out. It takes us a couple of minutes to catch Sophie and put her in the carrier, and while Skip and I are busy with that Paige keeps letting Miro out of her carrier. Somehow we make it out of the house and that's when I notice out neighbors house across the driveway is completely gone. You can see in one side and out the other. We were talking with her while we were waiting. She was the only person who said what everyone else was thinking, "I hope my house is still there."

We were told that the fire wasn't 100% contained and that no one was allowed to stay over night, not that we would have with all that smoke and no power. Our good friend hooked us up with a place to stay that night.

The next day we come to check on the house. It looks just fine. The only problem is the smell is something awful. We had the inside tested for ash and luckily they didn't find any. They told us to run the A/C continually and change the air filters out every day until the smell is gone.

The firefighters knocked down part of the fence to get into the backyard. It was surprisingly easy to fix. Only one of the boards broke.

There are some burnt spots on our lawn next to the driveway, by our trashcans up by the house, and in our front garden bed by the main street. All of the branches of the oak tree that extend into our neighbors backyard were burnt. Other than that you can't tell that there was a massive fire here less than a week ago.

I found out that our neighbor up the cul-du-sac, the one who put out fires on my lawn, and who has a 2 year old and a 3 month old, completely lost their house. Nothing left except for the stone wall in the front of the house and part of the metal roof.

The firefighters did an amazing job. All of the houses could have been lost instead of just 21.

Our camera broke right before Paige's birthday at the beginning of the month. Can you believe it? Of all the times to not have a camera!

I'm still processing all of this. I've spent most of my emotional energy helping the girls work through this that I'm just not starting to sit with the feelings for myself.

Our house is in the middle of the damage. It went around us. It feels really strange to be getting back to normal when there are so many neighbors who don't have a house anymore.

Zoe was hit the hardest. She is terrified that the fire is going to come back. It doesn't help that every time we walk outside it smells like we're walking into a giant fireplace or that 6 days later there are still helicopters circling above the house. But the worst reminder is the house across the driveway that's just sitting there crumbling. The woman who lived there doesn't have homeowners insurance. There's no telling how long it's going to be before that house is torn down and it might not be rebuilt.

Skip was laid off at the end of March and when that happened I decided that my new personal motto was going to be "Appreciate all that I have". Well, this fire really reinforced that. I have so much. It's inspired me to purge through all the crap in the house to get down to things that are really important.

This post seems unfinished, but that's all I've got right now.

Love

Zoe and I were laying down. I had my arm around her and I smelled her hair.

Me: You smell like chocolate cake.

Zoe sniffing my armpit: You smell like stinky toes.

Thursday Morning

I had a great morning with my girls. We went to the newly renovated playground that's right down the street.

After checking out all of the new playground equipment we went exploring on the walking trails. We were firefighters and found a fire berry bush and went in search of a fire to extinguish.

We heard and saw a flock for crows! CA!

Afterwards while on our way to Chuy's for lunch we saw a REAL car fire.

Forgiveness

The day started out good enough. Zoe, Paige and I went to Mayfield Park for a playdate with one of Zoe's old school friends. Paige was completely taken with the peacocks and Zoe found a giant peacock feather.

After lunch I feel asleep while putting Paige down for a nap. "Falling asleep" is the wrong way to describe it. It was more like cognitive leaping from sleep to dream to consciousness and the back around the loop again, all the while serenaded by brain playing "Particle Man" by They Might Be Giants. It was one of those dreaming-with-eyes-open sleep. I "slept" for 3 hours. I can't remember the last time that happened.

When I got up it looked like rain so I hurriedly prepped the soil with fertilizer and minerals and planted the carrots and peas in the garden box that Zoe and I worked on earlier this week.

We grabbed some dinner. Put the girls to bed. Skip isn't feeling well and went to bed early. I'm the only one awake in the house right now, well actually our cat Sophie is up exploring. This is a rare moment.

That's when I realize that it's Yom Kippur. Since New Year in my space moments between changing diapers, cooking, working, cleaning, I've been going over the events of the past year, thinking about things I said or things that I didn't say. In all honesty, I owe almost everyone I know (save casual acquaintances and the like) an apology for something. I definitely owe every one of my family members an apology. I've been thinking about this a lot and yet I haven't apologized to anyone. My mistakes are abundant. I'm wondering why.

From my shortsightedness of the situation I'm in the place because I'm too wrapped up in my own shit (i.e. trying to keep the depression and anxiety at bay, trying desperately to figuring out how to manage life with 2 little ones, a house, a job, one car .....) Very recently I've gained some insight about my own issues and what it boils down to is that I'm not so good at taking care of my own needs and that makes it nearly impossible for me to be at my best. Before I had kids it wasn't a big deal. I had lots of free time to take care of myself by reading books, hanging out with friends, planning meals, getting enough sleep (sometimes), drinking enough water, organizing my space (without a small person throwing everything on the floor immediately after), mediating, practicing yoga... the list goes on. Now I have non-stop, unrelenting competition for my time and energy. I'm still learning the balancing act, but things are starting to get levelish, and I've learned so much for becoming a parent that I think things will spiral up and I'll be in a better place then where I started.

I've also been disconnected from Judaism since the girls were born. I went back to Judaism in 2001 for a couple of reasons, namely to be part of a community and to feel connected to ancient rituals. In part of me not taking care of myself like I should I've also not put energy into religion.

But none of that explains why I haven't apologized. So here it is, a little late.

If I've hurt you I'm sorry. It was done without malice or intent to cause suffering. I've made many mistakes and if you're one of the people who took some of fallout I'm lucky to have you in my life as a learning partner. I ask your forgiveness.

If it seems impersonal it is, and it doesn't completely sit right with me. But I figure it's better to get it out there in some way in the unlikely event that it brings comfort to someone where it would do nothing rambling around in my head.

Teething. Arg.

I need sleep to make things work.

Zoe's Quote of the Day

I said to Zoe as she was wrapped up in a warm blanket "You sure are toasty."

Zoe replied, "Well, I have been eating a lot of toast lately."