Dear Insomnia

Dear Insomnia,

We've had a relationship for some time now. The first time you came into my life I was 14 years old. Since then you have been a dreaded companion, leaving and always returning at the worst possible moments. You take away my energy, and in exchange give me dark circles under my eyes. But I think it's time for me to reevaluate the way I see you.

Last night, as I took Melatonin, after Melatonin, after Melatonin, after Melatonin, and still sleep did not come, a thought occurred to me. Maybe it's the lack of sleep turned to delirium (it has been 5 nights since I've slept), but I think I might have had it all wrong.

You've always be there for me when times where tough. I can count on you above all others to be by my side through the most difficult periods of my life. I don't fully understand your ways, but you give me time to ponder and evaluate my own ways, and where I am.

In Chinese medicine, insomnia is a sign of a disturbance in the Heart. Insomnia does seem more prevalent when my heart is heavy.

The last 3 days I have been alone, not in a real way, but more in an intellectual(?) way. I have talked to friends on the phone, I have emailed, texted, and been on Facebook, but my real life connections have been limited to very brief conversations while checking out at a store and the like. I have spent 95% of my time alone in my apartment. For someone like me who needs face to face contact, it's a strange place to be. Insomnia, you have almost doubled that time. I must need it right now, so that I can find my way to my proper path. It's becoming more clear, slowly. For the first time in my life, I have absolutely no regrets.

I'm also thankful to my friend Wellburtin, for keeping the depression at bay. When I go to those very sad places, I can come back out of them without getting stuck in the muck. I can even listen to those sad, sad songs that I love so much, and don't listen to often enough. I am forever grateful.

So Insomnia, I'm making my peace with you. I welcome you into my life. I will patiently wait to observe where you will take me. From now on I will call you my friend, and not my enemy.

Love,

Nikki

Waiting for the melatonin to kick in...

Insomnia, you asshole.

Insomnia + Teething =

I've got bad insomnia. Paige is cutting 4 molars and each has one tip that has broken through.

5 nights insomnia + 4 new molars = NIKKI ZOMBIE

MUST SLEEP or I'LL BE AFTER YOUR BRAIN because I can't find mine.

You've got a what in your freezer?!

When I was in high school I had a very good friend named Matt. In fact, he was my best friend when I was a junior and senior in high school. But when we first met we were dating.

One night we were having a date night at his house. We were watching a movie. I got hungry and he told me that there was probably something to eat in the freezer. As I looked around the freezer for a pizza I saw something that I couldn't identify in a zip lock bag.

Me: What's in the zip lock bag?
Matt: Oh, that's my sister's placenta.

At 16 I had no idea what a placenta was. Matt had to explain it to me, which he did very well (his mom is a childbirth educator). Once I understood what it was I was completely freaked out. I couldn't comprehend why anyone could possibly have a placenta in their freezer. He told me that his mom was waiting until they moved into the house they were going to stay in forever and then she planned to bury it under a tree. Completely freaked me out. Every time I went over to his house and saw the kitchen all I could think of was "Oh, my God! There's a placenta in the freezer!"

This morning I open my own freezer to see if we have any soy patties and I moved Paige's placenta out of the way to see if the box is behind it. It seemed perfectly natural.

What I difference 15 years can make. At 16 I never thought I'd have kids or be married. Matt died about 3 years ago. We hadn't spoken since 1997. Our relationship didn't end well.

I haven't thought about that night in a long time. I miss you Matt. I wish you were still here even if our lives never crossed again.

Sleep... I miss you!

I got 2 hours of sleep last night. I can honestly say that I understand why sleep deprivation is a form of torture. How I'm still functioning is beyond me. It must be part of the mommy superpowers. Here's what went down.

9:30pm - Both girls are asleep. Before going to bed I listen to my vm and return a couple of calls, check my email, finish us some stuff for my job, do a load of laundry, clean up the dinner plates and talk to Skip for 5 minutes.

11pm- I'm in bed ready to sleep, but it takes me awhile to unwind as usual. It takes a bit longer tonight because Skip and I are going back and forth about what precautions we should take to avoid the swine flu.

around midnight - I had just fallen asleep when Paige woke up wanting some mommy milk.

1am - back to bed, but having trouble falling asleep again... probably fell asleep around 1:45am

1:55am - Paige is crying and wakes up Zoe.

3am - Paige is feed, comfortable and not crying. Zoe is still awake and asking for me. I lay down with her, but she's wide awake.

4am - Zoe finally goes back to sleep. Paige is up again and ready for more mommy milk.

5am - Paige is asleep. I crash into bed and get an hour of sleep!

6am - Paige is crying. I wake up feeling refreshed from the hour of sleep - how sad is that.

6:30am - Paige has fallen back asleep. I go back to bed and get another hour of sleep.

7:30am - Paige is up. She's not hungry, she's got a clean diaper, but still very unhappy.

8:30am - Zoe wakes up (Paige is still awake) and my day begins on 2 hours of sleep.

This can't happen twice, right? I'm going to have a snack and try to get some sleep. Goodnight.

Catching Up

It's been way too long since my last post. Here's a picture from last week. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and very happy that this little one will be full term when she joins us on the outside.

I'm getting to the point in the pregnancy where I have very little energy and everything seems to take a huge amount of effort, especially things like getting up from lying down or getting up off the floor.

As you can see I'm posting this at 2am. My insomnia is back, but I think I can blame the pregnancy. At least that's what I'm telling myself. My mind isn't on hyper overdrive and my body is relaxed for the most part, I'm just not able to fall asleep.

It doesn't help that I had a dream on Friday night that my water broke. Nothing like waking up in the middle of the night and not sure if you're in labor or not.

I'm looking forward to her birth. If all goes well, she'll be born at home. It's going to be a completely different birth than Zoe's birth at the hospital. I'm hoping that this time the birth will be more peaceful and empowering.

A couple of people have been asking if we need anything. Here's a link to our wishlist. We have most of the big stuff, but could really use diapers and wipes. Also, if anyone has a badass ring sling or other infant carrier that they could recommend, that would be great. I'm thinking I'll need to try some on after she's born.

I've completed a couple of knitting projects that I need to post.

No Sleep Till Brooklyn

It's late and I can't sleep again. I've had insomnia every night for the past week. I'm so exhausted that I can barely think.

BUT, there is some good news. Have I mentioned before that I have the best husband ever? He is treating me to a week in NYC for my 30th birthday.

I was planning to have my birthday dinner at my favorite restaurant Zen Palate in Union Square, but I just did a search and found out that the Union Square location is closed. Arg. I love that place. We'll probably go to Gobo's instead.

I can't wait to see all my east coast friends :)

Cells Have Internal Clocks

A study found that being a night owl or morning person is genetic. It seems that all the cells in our bodies have their own "clock". I wonder if this relates to insomnia.

Martian Cutie - 9!

I have had this song stuck in my head for the past two weeks. Every time I lay down to go to sleep this is what I hear -


1, 2, 3, 4, 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.
She's my real martian beauty.
She's my number nine cutie.
She has nine hairs on her head.
1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9...
Tied up in ribbons of red.

She has nine little eyes,
All the same size
Looking up, down, round, and straight ahead.
She has nine little holes in her turned up nose,
And she snores when she goes to bed.

She has nine arms that's one of her charms,
Each just like the other;
Some people say she looks like her dad;
Some say she looks like her mother.

She has 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 little toes on her foot.
She doesn't go shoppin'
Cause she doesn't like hoppin',
So usually she just stays put.

... 9

Insomnia Strikes Again

This bout of insomnia has been around for a couple of weeks, but this time I'm armed with my new friend Ambien. I didn't like the stuff until my new doctor prescribed a smaller dosage and I don't get those feelings of "oh shit, was I sleepwalking/talking/typing". I took a pill about 10 minutes ago. We'll see how long I can type before my brain starts drifting off.

I'm not sure what's bothering me. For the most part things are going well. I'm enjoying staying home with Zoe. We have started making new friends. I'm reading again. I'm feeling like I'm getting back to my old self. Of course, there is always family drama, but relatively minor stuff right now. So I'm not sure what's going on.

I'm going to wrap this up before it gets strange. Good night. Hope you have a good night's sleep.

I Hate Insomnia

I've got insomnia again. This sucks. It's most likely because I'm looking for a job that probably doesn't exist - a part-time email marketing position. I can't seem to turn my brain off and go to sleep. I'm at the point where my head feels heavier than the rest of my body. I can't sleep because I'm top heavy. Have you ever heard of anything this ridiculous? I know I'm going to feel like shit in the morning. Arrgg.