Sick of being sick

It's been a very long couple of weeks. Zoe was the first to get sick. Then Paige. Then me. I came down with a fever 9 days ago. 9 fucking days ago and I'm still sick! The previous weekend, I cared for 2 sick children, while I had a fever, for more than 72 hours without a break. Taking care of sick children while being sick was one of the greatest fears that I had going into the divorce. Well, somehow I made it through. And there's something gratifying about doing something that you didn't think you could handle. It makes the other day-to-day shit look like a walk in the park.

Both the girls have a bit of a lingering cough but are mostly well. I'm still feeling sickish. Before this weekend, I haven't had much of a chance to take care of myself. And of course my immune system weakened by stress and lack of sleep doesn't help either.

I'm under a tremendous amount of stress, and have been for months. It's not going to get better anytime soon.

Despite everything, there are some positive things going on right now. But today I'm feeling down. Way down. I'm worried because I know that getting sick is a major trigger for depression with me. I'm crying a lot. Does that mean that I'm getting depressed or that I need to release some pent up emotions? I wish I knew. I don't feel completely hopeless, and that's good.

I need to remember some mantras:
- I can handle stress. I can deal with difficult people.
- I can see that this is temporary.
- I have faith that things are as they need to be. I will remember that sometimes pain is necessary to propel movement forward.
- There are people who love me, care about me, and want happiness for me.
- I am an agent of change.
- I am a force to be reckoned with.
- I have the power to live my life as I wish.
- I am not alone.

As a side note: I need work. If you know of anyone looking for someone with experience in online, email, and social media marketing hook me up.

Sisterly conversation

Zoe is telling me a knock knock joke and Paige keeps interrupting with "Knock! Knock!" and Zoe says:

Paige take a zipper and zip your mouth closed. Lock it. No, lock it with 45 locks and put the key in your pocket. And don't talk through your nose.

I'll take that any day over a "shut up".

Monkey Poopoo

Really what is it about poop that is so fascinating to kids? Paige likes to talk about all the animals that poop. It goes something like this:

Doggie poopoo! Hahahahahah! Squirrel poopoo! Hahahahahah! MONKEY poopoo! HAHAHAHAHA!

Last night as I'm putting Paige to bed she tells me that see needs to tell Sophie (our cat) goodnight. She walks over to her and says "MONKEY POOPOO!" and laughs hysterically to herself all the way back to bed.

I love my life.

Love

After explaining to Zoe that the phrase "love conquers all" means that there's nothing stronger than love, she replies:

"I'm full of love.

Paige is full of love, too.

I think kids have more love than grownups"

Love

Zoe and I were laying down. I had my arm around her and I smelled her hair.

Me: You smell like chocolate cake.

Zoe sniffing my armpit: You smell like stinky toes.

Thursday Morning

I had a great morning with my girls. We went to the newly renovated playground that's right down the street.

After checking out all of the new playground equipment we went exploring on the walking trails. We were firefighters and found a fire berry bush and went in search of a fire to extinguish.

We heard and saw a flock for crows! CA!

Afterwards while on our way to Chuy's for lunch we saw a REAL car fire.

Insomnia + Teething =

I've got bad insomnia. Paige is cutting 4 molars and each has one tip that has broken through.

5 nights insomnia + 4 new molars = NIKKI ZOMBIE

MUST SLEEP or I'LL BE AFTER YOUR BRAIN because I can't find mine.

Forgiveness

The day started out good enough. Zoe, Paige and I went to Mayfield Park for a playdate with one of Zoe's old school friends. Paige was completely taken with the peacocks and Zoe found a giant peacock feather.

After lunch I feel asleep while putting Paige down for a nap. "Falling asleep" is the wrong way to describe it. It was more like cognitive leaping from sleep to dream to consciousness and the back around the loop again, all the while serenaded by brain playing "Particle Man" by They Might Be Giants. It was one of those dreaming-with-eyes-open sleep. I "slept" for 3 hours. I can't remember the last time that happened.

When I got up it looked like rain so I hurriedly prepped the soil with fertilizer and minerals and planted the carrots and peas in the garden box that Zoe and I worked on earlier this week.

We grabbed some dinner. Put the girls to bed. Skip isn't feeling well and went to bed early. I'm the only one awake in the house right now, well actually our cat Sophie is up exploring. This is a rare moment.

That's when I realize that it's Yom Kippur. Since New Year in my space moments between changing diapers, cooking, working, cleaning, I've been going over the events of the past year, thinking about things I said or things that I didn't say. In all honesty, I owe almost everyone I know (save casual acquaintances and the like) an apology for something. I definitely owe every one of my family members an apology. I've been thinking about this a lot and yet I haven't apologized to anyone. My mistakes are abundant. I'm wondering why.

From my shortsightedness of the situation I'm in the place because I'm too wrapped up in my own shit (i.e. trying to keep the depression and anxiety at bay, trying desperately to figuring out how to manage life with 2 little ones, a house, a job, one car .....) Very recently I've gained some insight about my own issues and what it boils down to is that I'm not so good at taking care of my own needs and that makes it nearly impossible for me to be at my best. Before I had kids it wasn't a big deal. I had lots of free time to take care of myself by reading books, hanging out with friends, planning meals, getting enough sleep (sometimes), drinking enough water, organizing my space (without a small person throwing everything on the floor immediately after), mediating, practicing yoga... the list goes on. Now I have non-stop, unrelenting competition for my time and energy. I'm still learning the balancing act, but things are starting to get levelish, and I've learned so much for becoming a parent that I think things will spiral up and I'll be in a better place then where I started.

I've also been disconnected from Judaism since the girls were born. I went back to Judaism in 2001 for a couple of reasons, namely to be part of a community and to feel connected to ancient rituals. In part of me not taking care of myself like I should I've also not put energy into religion.

But none of that explains why I haven't apologized. So here it is, a little late.

If I've hurt you I'm sorry. It was done without malice or intent to cause suffering. I've made many mistakes and if you're one of the people who took some of fallout I'm lucky to have you in my life as a learning partner. I ask your forgiveness.

If it seems impersonal it is, and it doesn't completely sit right with me. But I figure it's better to get it out there in some way in the unlikely event that it brings comfort to someone where it would do nothing rambling around in my head.

Teething. Arg.

I need sleep to make things work.

Zoe's Quote of the Day

I said to Zoe as she was wrapped up in a warm blanket "You sure are toasty."

Zoe replied, "Well, I have been eating a lot of toast lately."

To My Daughters, My Greatest Teachers

I have learned more about myself and life in the past 4 years than I had ever imagined.

Zoe and Paige you are my greatest teachers.

You have taught me to finally love my body and appreciate the miracles that it is capable of.

You have taught me patience beyond anything I had thought possible.

You have taught me that love is not finite and keeps expanding.

You have taught me that I am a storyteller.

You have taught me what really makes me angry.

You have reminded me how to play.

You have brought me back outside and rekindled my love of nature.

You are teaching me how to live in the present moment.

Because of you, I've learned how to speak more honestly and openly.

I'm learning that whatever I want for you I have to want for myself first to make it happen.

I hope that I will be able to teach you half of what I've gained from the both of you.

Maternal Instinct Starts Early

This conversation took place this evening after I told Zoe that I was going to put Paige to bed and she wanted me to stay with her.

Zoe: Can Daddy can put Paige to bed?

Me: No, I have to put her to bed.

Zoe: Why?

Me: Because Daddy can't make Mommy Milk. Only girls can make Mommy Milk.

Zoe: Do I have Mommy Milk?

Me: Not right now. When you become an adult you can choose to have a baby and then you'll have Mommy Milk.

Zoe: When my eggs go down into my feet.

Me: hmmmm

Zoe: But I want a baby NOW.

Me: Your body's not ready to have a baby yet. Maybe Paige can be your baby for now.

Zoe: No! I want my OWN baby!

Paige’s Birth Story – Turn and Face the Strange

The Thursday before Paige was born I went to see my midwife Michele for my 38 week check up. I was ready for Paige to be here and hoping that she would say that Paige was on the way. Scottie, Michele’s apprentice, checked me and I was only 1 cm dialated, about 60% effaced and Paige was still high in my pelvis (about +3). Michele told me not to get my hopes up that she would be born before my 39 week check up. I was disappointed but thought I’d try to prove the prediction wrong.

After the appointment I quickened the pace of my walks around the block and concentrating on doing squats throughout the day. Something must have worked. On Sunday, Paige had dropped very low. I felt like she was going to fall out. It hurt to stand, to sit, to walk. I couldn’t wait for her to be born.

Monday was a normal day. I didn’t do much because I was feeling very pregnant and achy. Zoe didn’t take her nap, but desperately needed one, so I took her for a ride to the store with the hope that she would fall asleep before we got there. Once we got in the car I decided to drive around for awhile to give her a chance to fall asleep. I started having contractions, which I thought were Braxton-Hicks. For about the past month or two I’d been having BH contractions that would happen on and off for hours.

I wove around the UT campus area for about 30 minutes before giving up on the nap, when I noticed that the contractions were happening regularly. I started timing them about 6 minutes apart. Zoe and I stopped by the pet store and picked up some food for the kitties then headed home. By the time we got home the contractions were 5 minutes apart. The odd thing was that the contractions weren’t that painful – they were annoying – similar to menstrual cramps.

I told Skip that I thought that I might be in labor. His response was that we were out of bottled water and wanted to go to the grocery store to get some more. For those of you who know Skip you’ll see the humor in that. I persuaded him to hold off on going to the store until we talked to Michele and figured out if I was in labor.

Scottie came over to the house to check to see if things were in motion. I was 2cm dialated and confirmed that Paige had dropped very low and was sitting about 2” from the exit, so to speak.

I was in early labor, which was very strange to me. I didn’t experience early labor with Zoe. With her, my water broke, went into active labor and Zoe was born a little over 3 hours later.

We called everyone to let them know that I was in labor. Things were moving slowly. Skip went out to get me some dinner and bottled water. Zoe went over to her friend Darlene’s house for the night. My friend De’Andrea came over to be apart of the birth. She teaches the Bradley Method of natural childbirth and offered her support during the birth. It felt like we were having a party. We were all sitting around the living room talking and eating cookies.

When Michele got to the house I was still at 2cm but the contractions were coming closer together and getting stronger. The party atmosphere was fading as I had to concentrate harder with each contraction. Michele told me that she didn’t think that Paige would be born that night and suggested that I get as much sleep as I could so that I’d have plenty of energy for the birth. She told me to send everyone home, take a Benadryl (which slows down contractions), take a bath and drink some wine. Scottie and Michele left and De’Andrea went out to get a bottle of wine. I took a Benadryl and sat in the bath. But I couldn’t relax because I couldn’t get comfortable during the contractions.

I only drank about 3 sips of the wine. The contractions were becoming more intense and I was beginning to feel drowsy from the Benadryl, so I went to lie down to do the Bradley relaxation stuff. When De’Andrea left the contractions were about 3 minutes apart.

I had planned on using the Bradley Method of relaxation during labor. I read all the books and thought I knew enough techniques to get me through the pain. It was very easy to keep my body relaxed in the early stages of labor. I was able to manage the contractions laying down for awhile but I found that lying down was making me very tense, so I got up to move around. I couldn’t find a comfortable position to labor in and got into the shower.

The contractions were getting more intense so Skip called Michele and Scottie to tell them to come back to the house. He left a message for De’Andrea to come back also. Scottie arrived at the house around 11pm. I was in active labor at this point, and had given up on relaxing my way through the contractions. At this point I went back to the only thing that helped me during my labor with Zoe – moaning and screaming. I learned the power of vocalizing when I was taking a pre-natal yoga class when I was pregnant with Zoe. The instructor had us in an uncomfortable pose and asked us to vocalize when we got to the point were we felt we needed to move. I was amazed to find that I could hold the pose as long as I was groaning. In labor, unlike most of the rest of the time, I have no problem expressing myself at high volume.

Scottie was great, very warm and helpful. She suggested some positions for labor, the “dancing” thing and sitting on the birth ball, but I ended up back in the shower. I got into a rhythm. Between contractions I stood so that the hot water hit my belly, then when the contractions started I would lean forward and rest my head on Skip and let the water hit my lower back. I labored like this until it was time to push. Skip was great and talked me through each contraction with encouraging words.

With both of my labors towards the end I felt like I was outside of time, at least the linear way in which most of us perceive it. I’m not sure how long I was in the shower, probably about 45 minutes or an hour based on the time she was born.

I pushed on a birthing stool that Michele had set up at the foot of the bed. After the first push Michele said that the baby was coming now and she wanted me to get on the bed but things were moving too fast for me to get up there. While I was pushing Michele was talking to me, but I didn’t really hear what she was saying until she said “Nikki, you’re a teapot. Close your mouth.” I came back to the present moment and thought why is this woman calling me a teapot? Aha! As soon as I closed my mouth Paige crowned. Just then my phone started ringing. Paige was serenaded into the world by David Bowie singing “Changes” via the ringtone on my cell phone. Skip caught Paige on her way out.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

Turn and face the strange

Ch-ch-Changes

Don't want to be a richer man

We couldn’t have planned it that perfectly. It was De’Andrea calling. She had just got Skip’s message to come to the house but wasn’t sure when he left the message so was calling to see how things were going. Thanks De’Andrea.

Paige was born at 12:27am on April 7th. This time I didn’t tear during delivery (Michele and Scottie – you rock!!) Paige had some bruising on her face from being smooched against my tail bone, poor thing, but was otherwise perfectly healthy weighing in at 6#5 and 19” long. She started nursing with gusto almost immediately after being born and then took a snooze. I felt amazing and didn’t sleep at all.

Skip was a great coach and even remembered some of the things he read in the Bradly books. Thanks, sweetie.

The next morning, Zoe was so excited to meet her new baby sister.

Welcome to the world, baby girl.

This week in Zoe

Zoe: I'm scared. Turn off the dark.

---

Me: What are you doing?

Zoe: Sitting on an egg.

Me: hmmm

Zoe: It's a baby Zoe.

---

Zoe was very disappointed to realize that her beloved Daddy is a boy. Zoe is not keen on boys.

Flying Solo - Day 1

This morning the whole gang got up and left for the airport at 5:30am. Skip is in NYC this weekend to audition for a reality show for artists, which leaves me only with the girls for 3 day and 3 nights.

It started out as a bad day. Paige vomited all over herself and the car seat on the way to the airport. I think she might have gagged herself. At least the little one isn't sick. I thought that they would both take a nap when we got home a little after 6am, but I was wrong. Zoe was a bit out of sorts since she'd only had 7 hours of sleep. Thank God for preschool. I told her it was a preschool day and she was happy, happy. Paige also had a couple of massive poos.

The day got better. Zoe had a great time at preschool despite the lack of sleep. We even went to the bookstore afterwards because she was in a great mood. When we came home Zoe took a nap, which doesn't happen that often anymore. Paige's nap even overlapped so that I had an hour to myself. Crazy. I spent most of that time talking on the phone with Bubbie.

We picked up some Chinese food for dinner and some friends came over to play afterwards.

Bedtime is always the most difficult part of the day for me when Skip's not here. I started trying to get Paige down at 7:15pm. I started trying to get Zoe down at 8:30pm. We all ended up in Zoe's twin bed with everyone asleep (expect me) at 9:30pm. Paige woke up when I moved her. Overall it was a pretty good day. Zoe even rubbed Paige's head while she was nursing to comfort her to sleep.

I'm exhausted for getting up so early. I was up late with Skip getting everything ready for today and Paige still wakes me up many times at night. My plan was to go to bed by 10pm. So why am I up blogging instead of sleeping?

I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed when I saw a giant cockroach on one of the bath towels. There are very few bugs that freak me out and this is one of them. I'm just impressed that I didn't completely loose it and run screaming from the room and wake everyone up. My plan was a catch it in a cup and take it outside, which is what we do with the bugs we find in the house. But the MFer was too big to fit in the cup! I ended up taking the towel outside and shaking him off. Yuck!@

So now I'm still on this adrenaline rush. I'm hoping writing it will get it out of my system.

Sad Flower

Today after preschool Zoe, Paige and I made a Target run to get some craft supplies for tomorrow. We'll be stuck in the house all day while Skip has the car picking up art from Dallas.

I park the car next to the cart corral in the Target parking lot (very important to park close to the cart return when you have two kids in tow). Zoe looks at the carts and makes some pretend "boo-hoo" noises.

As I unbuckle her car seat belt I ask her about it. She tells me the flower on her flower print pants is sad and crying. Why is it sad? It wants to ride in the red shopping cart. I put Zoe in the cart and the flower is happy and laughing.

Seriously.

Look Mommy, A Giant!

Some quotes from Zoe:

To me as we were standing in line at Wheatsville and pointing directly at the 6'6" 300+ lb man standing next to us "Look Mommy, a giant!" She repeated herself until I responded that yes, he was a very tall man. I wish I had had a camera to capture the look on her face when she realized that giants actually exist.

To her butt as she was leaning forward on the potty trying to poop "Work with me poopy!" To hear one of my parenting phrases used in such a way makes this even funnier to me.

To Daddy as they were coloring with markers "Draw some more crazy stuff."

To Sophie (our new kitten) as we were telling her goodnight "Make some good poopies and some good naps and we'll see you happy in the morning."

Zoe has recently grasped that things and people can have more than one name. She must have been working on this through her mind for awhile. For weeks the first thing she would say to me when she woke up was "What's your name?" I would tell her that my name is Mommy. After a week or so she followed it with "What's your other name?" I would say Nikki and that would be the end of the conversation. I have to admit that I did get freaked out a couple of times when I went to her in the middle of the night (Because she was calling for me) and I walk into her room, she sits up in bed and says "What is your name?" Those couple of times it felt like a "who are you?" type of question even though I don't think it was. So now Zoe's got it. She'll ask me my name, I'll tell her Nikki and she'll respond "I call you Mommy". She uses it in other areas as well. We were reading a book and they use the word sofa. Zoe says "I call it a couch".
Fish "I call it a fishy"
Alicia "I call her Doo-licia" (Don't ask me why)

Family Life

Right now is one of those rare moments when I have time to write. Zoe is napping and Skip took Paige out shopping.

These past couple of months have been a blur. Paige is finally starting to sleep more at night. Last night slept from 11pm to 4am! Then she didn't wake up until 6:30am. Ahh... it was so nice. But something about getting sleep after a long stretch of being sleep deprived makes me feel more tired. How does that work? Maybe my body remembers what it feels like to sleep for more than an hour at a time and it wants revenge.

I've felt very groggy today which contributed to me hitting a car in the parking lot when I picked Zoe up from preschool. Doh! Thankfully, the damage was very minor. Our car took some paint off the other car and there's a 2" scratch on our bumper. The lady was very nice. I gave her my information and told her to contact me when she decided what she wanted to do. I'm hoping that she won't file a claim.

Yeah... this week was Zoe's first week of preschool. She did a super amazing job. I'm blown away with how well she did. When I came to pick her up today she didn't want to leave. She painted another picture and played with Playdoh before she decided it was time to go home. She's going to school 9am-1pm Wed, Thurs, and Fri. Wednesday was her first day. Her teacher Meredith said that she was fine most of the day and only asked for me a couple of times, but when I came to pick her up she had an emotional meltdown. I think it was just so much to take in. Thursday was pretty much the same. She was fine all morning and when I came to pick her up she was crying because her friend hurt her feelings by yelling at her. She's asked me a couple of times to play with her at preschool instead of leaving. I think she's loving her time there. It's just a big adjustment from spending all day with me.

Paige isn't crying as much. We're down to a couple of hours of crying a day. What a relief. The colicky baby is turning into a smiley baby. I have to say that if there is one word that describes Paige it's alert. It kind of freaks me out sometimes. She studies me and everything around her with great intensity. I can't imagine what must be going on in her 2 month old brain.

I'm feeling very blessed to have two amazing girls.

Skip is going to Dallas on Sunday to deliver artwork for a solo show at Northlake Collage. It's going to be the first time that I'm alone with the girls all day without a car. It's also the first bedtime without Skip. We still don't have a good bedtime strategy. Both the girls keep each other awake even when they're in two separate rooms with closed doors and sound machines going. I feed a tired Paige, who isn't asleep because Zoe is running around making noise, and hand her off to Skip. Then I lay down with Zoe, who has a hard time falling asleep because she can hear Paige screaming in the other room. If I wait until Paige is asleep to put Zoe to bed then Zoe is overtired and it takes forever. I can only hope that at some point they will stop keeping each other awake. I'd like for them to share a room as soon as Paige is old enough. I'm not sure how this is going to work on Sunday. I keep telling myself that everyone has to fall asleep eventually, right?

Zoe is going to be up any minute now so I should hit post before life gets crazy again.