LogosKnitter

Holding this close to my heart

2012-02-12T18:53:00.000-05:00

Action trumps depression. Confronted with a situation in which our feelings of powerlessness are more than just feelings, we choose to fight the odds, as an existential statement. We bellow our savage war cry in the face of the Roman Legions. We swim against the tidal wave. We attack Goliath with a slingshot, and throw stones at a Sherman tank, and ravage ICBMs with our ball peen hammer. We actively reject the reality of our helplessness; and as we assert defiance, we fan the embers of humanity wherever they live within ourselves and our brothers and sisters.
- Josh Mitteldorf

Candle Study

2012-02-04T23:35:00.000-05:00

I have a picture in my mind that I'd like to get into the camera. Tonight I took the first step by conducting a candle study in which I played around with the ISO speed. Although I really like the grainy effect in some of these pictures, it's not what I'm looking for in the final image. It seems as though a tripod is my future.

ISO 100

ISO 600

Candle through the fog

ISO 800

I still need to play around with this some more. Leave a comment if you have any tips on shooting in low light.

Sick of being sick

2012-01-29T22:56:00.000-05:00

It's been a very long couple of weeks. Zoe was the first to get sick. Then Paige. Then me. I came down with a fever 9 days ago. 9 fucking days ago and I'm still sick! The previous weekend, I cared for 2 sick children, while I had a fever, for more than 72 hours without a break. Taking care of sick children while being sick was one of the greatest fears that I had going into the divorce. Well, somehow I made it through. And there's something gratifying about doing something that you didn't think you could handle. It makes the other day-to-day shit look like a walk in the park.

Both the girls have a bit of a lingering cough but are mostly well. I'm still feeling sickish. Before this weekend, I haven't had much of a chance to take care of myself. And of course my immune system weakened by stress and lack of sleep doesn't help either.

I'm under a tremendous amount of stress, and have been for months. It's not going to get better anytime soon.

Despite everything, there are some positive things going on right now. But today I'm feeling down. Way down. I'm worried because I know that getting sick is a major trigger for depression with me. I'm crying a lot. Does that mean that I'm getting depressed or that I need to release some pent up emotions? I wish I knew. I don't feel completely hopeless, and that's good.

I need to remember some mantras:
- I can handle stress. I can deal with difficult people.
- I can see that this is temporary.
- I have faith that things are as they need to be. I will remember that sometimes pain is necessary to propel movement forward.
- There are people who love me, care about me, and want happiness for me.
- I am an agent of change.
- I am a force to be reckoned with.
- I have the power to live my life as I wish.
- I am not alone.

As a side note: I need work. If you know of anyone looking for someone with experience in online, email, and social media marketing hook me up.

Just fucking shoot me

2012-01-22T16:13:00.001-05:00

Fever for 2 days.
Caring for sick children 7 days.

I need a nap desperately.

I'm done.

2011-12-27T12:33:00.002-05:00

Isn't it the moment of most profound doubt that gives birth to new certainties? Perhaps hopelessness is the very soil that nourishes human hope; perhaps one could never find sense in life without first experiencing its absurdity...

– Vaclav Havel

2011-12-04T09:39:00.001-05:00

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. Today will be even worse. Today is the day I tell my kids that the life they know is over. Please give me strength.

Miro

2011-12-02T18:11:00.001-05:00

Today I had to make the difficult decision to say goodbye to Miro.

Miro you will always be a part of our family. I'll always remember how you smelled like a cross between campfire smoke and the deep woods, and how you always knew when I was pregnant even before I did.

I'm honored that you chose me to be your owner for the last 13 years. I'll miss you.

What are you grateful for?

2011-11-24T13:51:00.001-05:00

Frankie

Thanksgiving is my least favorite holiday, for many reasons that I won't get into here, followed closely by Christmas. I don't look forward to it, and I especially wasn't this year because holidays have a way of amplifying any issues that are going on within a family.

The day was unexpected. The day turned out ok.

We got to spend the day with a sweet little chihuahua named Frankie. He's our neighbors escape artist dog who we find in our yard at least a couple of times a month. His owners still haven't picked him up so it looks like he'll be staying the night.

This morning Sophie snuck out and killed a bird. It was a little male chickadee. We buried him in the backyard. Most of us (maybe all of us) don't appreciate what we have until it is taken from us. Death has a way of changing my perspective instantly.

Lately I've been caught up in the dangerous and dark side of self-reflection. It's time to break that with gratitude so here goes...

I am grateful for being able to sleep in this morning and waking up on my own.

I am grateful for a day of peace after 6 weeks of fighting.

I am grateful for two miraculous souls named Zoe and Paige, and the light and wisdom they bring into my life.

I am grateful for the opportunity to teach my kids about life and death.

I am grateful for knowing what it's like to fall madly in love, even if it didn't have a fairy tale ending.

I am grateful for the wonderful and amazing people who will always be a part of my life and seem to move in and out of it with perfect timing.

I am grateful for great friends whose friendship cannot be weakened by time or distance.

I am grateful that I've found long lost hope.

I am grateful that I learned to cook and that it's so easy to be a vegetarian in this moment in history. (And dairy-free pumpkin pie, yum)

I am grateful that in this moment, without looking back at the deep sadness of the last many days, and without the fear that comes with the unknowns that are about to happen, everything is alright.

I am grateful for music, art, and dreams that are with me at every step lighting my path.

I am grateful for being human. For the ability to FEEL even if that means pain.

I am grateful that there are people who I haven't met who will change my life and I will change theirs in return.

I am grateful for knowing what I want.

What are you grateful for?

Haha

2011-11-23T15:51:00.001-05:00

Dear Universe: That's really funny. I get it. No more jokes for now, ok?

Transition

2011-11-22T13:08:00.000-05:00

I'm in a state of transition. Flux. Fuck.

One moment I feel strong, confident. The next I'm full of guilt, hopelessness, fear. Then anger. Then hurt. It cycles too quickly. I can't get grounded. Is it even possible to move forward when you're spinning?

And how is it possible that no matter what I'm feeling there is a song that captures that emotion perfectly? Maybe I'm just lucky that way. Radiohead has been my constant companion for the last few weeks. This weekend I discovered an album by them that I had never heard, because I don't keep up with music, and there's a song that hits right to the nerve. Lyrics. Everything.

I'm on Flickr - http://www.flickr.com/photos/logosknitter/ - working through my shit through photography. I'm raw, so please be kind if you choose to comment.

Holy Shit

2011-11-18T08:30:00.000-05:00

I'm getting divorced.

I'm a dork

2011-11-03T02:02:00.003-04:00

Yesterday I answer the door. It's a neighbor looking for his dog. He doesn't make eye contact and seems to be in a hurry. I walk back inside look in the mirror. It seems that I forgot that Zoe had made me into a fairy elf just a few hours before. Yep. I'm a dork :)

Cleanse Days 9-15

2011-10-15T01:19:00.006-04:00

Life has a way of turning you on your head when you least expect it. That just happened to take place at the end of the cleanse.

Days 9-11 were very good days. I wasn't hungry all the time. On day 10 I started phase 2 which included one grain dish per day. I moved on to phase 3, which includes proteins, on day 13 or 14.

Unexpectedly, I found that after day 9 I witnessed a huge shift within myself. I needed to speak and live truthfully.

Normally I consider myself a truthful person, but if someone causally asks me how I'm doing I don't always come out with the whole truth. Most of the time they really don't want to know anyway, they are just making conversation. My standard answer to "how are you doing" is "good". Well on day 9 that changed. Truth starting spilling out and it didn't stop. I made a BIG fucking mess. Even 2 weeks later it's still a big fucking mess.

But it's been a long time coming. At least it's all out there in the open. There is a lightness that comes with speaking the truth.

This cleanse was WAY more than I had anticipated on so many levels. Decisions need to be made, and will be in the coming week.

"With every mistake we must surely be learning" - right?

Cleanse Days 7 and 8

2011-10-12T09:56:00.004-04:00

Day 7 was by far my worst day so far. I felt like shit. Exhausted, hungry, dizzy, angry. After talking with someone who has been cleansing many times a year for many years I figured out a few things. 1. I need to be eating MORE food, especially vegetables. 2. I wasn't taking any cleansing herbs because I thought that it would be easier on my system but that it was backfiring because the toxins where hanging around in my body longer. 3. I might need to move the next part of the cleanse before next Sunday depending on how things go.

I ate a handful of cashews and that helped with the irritability. In addition to eating more food I've started drinking the dandelion root tincture 3-4 x per day. I think I've eaten my weight in guacamole over the last two days.

Day 8 I felt the best that I have since I started. Although I feel low on energy the other detox symtoms have gone away. Last night I made an amazing Sweet Potato and Kale soup from the book If the Buddha Came to Dinner. It was amazing!

Oh, and I found the damn tape measure. I fell like I've already lost the inches that are going to come off but it will be interesting to see if there's any change at the end.

Bust: 32

Waist: 28

Hip: 36

An interesting side note is that the past 3 nights I've dreamt. Vivid dreams. It's been a long time since that's happened. Maybe even before I had kids.

Cleanse Day 6

2011-10-09T14:22:00.003-04:00

Strange thing happened this morning. I woke up early with hives on my head. That's usually the first sign that I've eaten something that contains dairy. There's no way I've had any dairy. I can only guess that my body was reacting to the veggie broth, but it seems so unlikely that I could be allergic to any of those vegetables. I'm going to keep an eye on it.

Hurray for food! This morning I started out with the Master Cleanse lemonade for breakfast. I was concerned that my stomach might not handle food so well after 5 days on a liquid diet. But all is well. Today I enjoyed:

veggie broth from last night

kale chips

banana

strawberries

carrots with guacamole!!

For dinner I overdid it a bit with a baked potato with garlic, onions and guacamole. I ate it too fast. I've been so hungry.

Cleanse Day 5

2011-10-08T21:34:00.004-04:00

Today was another difficult day. I was tired, very hungry, and cranky for most of the day. Emotionally this has been the toughest day yet. I've been feeling very insecure and unsure of myself. Somethings just not right, so tonight I decided that I would move on to phase 2 now instead of sticking it out until Thursday. I've gained what I wanted from a liquid diet. I'm excited about cooking and eating again. I was feeling burnt out before I started.

Phase 2 lasts about a week. I'll be eating only fruits and veggies as well as taking some herbs that detox the liver, kidneys, etc.

Since I've been on a liquid diet for 5 days I can't go right into eating food again without a transition. Tonight I made a vegetable broth from kale, celery, radish greens (maybe turnip greens, I can't ever remember which is which), bok choy, and parsley from my garden. I was worried that it might taste bitter but I must say that it was very delicious. It makes me wonder why I've never drank veggie broth before as a drink. I'm starting to think of it as vegetable tea.

Tomorrow I want to start eating real food, like food that you chew(!), but I'll have to see how it goes. One of the main focuses during this phase is to pay attention to how my body reacts to each food.

That's all for now.

Cleanse Days 3 and 4

2011-10-07T22:06:00.003-04:00

Yesterday (day 3) was rough. I felt nauseous most of the day, but realized by night that I could curb it by drinking more water. Still felt hungry.

Today I was tired but most likely because I woke up for 3 + hours last night and couldn't fall back asleep. It was also a day of great temptation. Having to constantly prepare, touch and clean up food is driving me crazy! I also took the girls to Chuy's for lunch. What was I thinking?! I would kill for those beans and rice right now. But I resisted. I made the mistake of saying that I was feeling hungry out loud and Zoe kept trying to feed me all afternoon.

Right now I don't feel like I can make it another 6 days before eating again. I'm soooo hungry!! The last time I was only hungry for the first day and then it was gone. Arg!

Cleanse Day 2

2011-10-05T22:48:00.002-04:00

Today I started feeling the effects of the toxins that are being released into my system. Bhalllllll. I feel tired, cranky, hungry. Not terribly, but I feel like I'm in the beginning stages of getting a cold. Feeding my kids has been a challenge. I realize that through out the day I eat bites of their food. I feel like there is food everywhere.

Today I find some organic lemons! They taste better than the limes to me.

On to day 3...

Cleanse Day 1

2011-10-04T23:53:00.002-04:00

So excited to finally start my cleanse today! My plan was to start last Friday but my stomach has been feeling off so I held out until today. I'm starting with the Master Cleanse for 10 days followed by a 3 week food cleanse outlined in the book If the Buddha Came to Dinner. If all goes as planned I'll break this 31 day cleanse on Nov 4th which just happens to be the same day I'm fly into NYC for a 3 day vacation BY MYSELF!

So far so good. I ate a breakfast taco this morning since I couldn't find any organic lemons last night. Then I made the cleanse drink with limes from about noon on.

Today I've felt hungry. Not cravings, just hungry (a salad would have hit the spot), but nothing major.

Physically I'm feeling a bit run down and tired.

I can't find my measuring tape, but when I do I'm going to post my measurements to see how much I lose during the coming weeks.

Follow your bliss

2011-08-28T16:15:00.002-04:00

Moyers: Do you ever have this sense when you are following your bliss, as I have at moments, of being helped by hidden hands?

Campbell: All the time. It is miraculous. I even have a superstition that has grown on me as a result of invisible hands coming all the time -- namely, that if you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you, and the life that you ought to be living is the one you are living. When you can see that, you begin to meet people who are in the field of your bliss, and they open doors to you. I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.

-- Joseph Campbell with Bill Moyors, The Power of Myth

I've applied to graduate school to study acupuncture and traditional Chinese medicine. I have an admissions interview in a couple of weeks. If I am accepted I'll start school in January.

It's hard for me to see how I'm going to be able to go to school full time for the next 4 years, continue working part time, continue being a mom full time, and all of the other things that go along with life. But acupuncture is the best job in the world, and I whole hearty feel that this is what I'm meant to do. So I'll have faith that somehow everything will work out while I follow my bliss.

Sisterly conversation

2011-08-24T00:28:00.001-04:00

Zoe is telling me a knock knock joke and Paige keeps interrupting with "Knock! Knock!" and Zoe says:

Paige take a zipper and zip your mouth closed. Lock it. No, lock it with 45 locks and put the key in your pocket. And don't talk through your nose.

I'll take that any day over a "shut up".

liberal

2011-08-22T11:40:00.000-04:00

The fundamental difference between the liberal and the illiberal outlook is that the former regards all questions as open to discussion and all opinions as open to a greater or lesser measure of doubt, while the latter holds in advance that certain opinions are absolutely unquestionable, and that no argument against them must be allowed be heard.
What is curious about this position is the belief that if impartial investigation were permitted it would lead men to the wrong conclusion, and that ignorance is, therfore, the only safeguard against terror. This point of view cannot be accepted by any man who wishes reason rather than prejudice to govern human action.

– Bertrand Russell

Monkey Poopoo

2011-08-07T09:37:00.003-04:00

Really what is it about poop that is so fascinating to kids? Paige likes to talk about all the animals that poop. It goes something like this:

Doggie poopoo! Hahahahahah! Squirrel poopoo! Hahahahahah! MONKEY poopoo! HAHAHAHAHA!

Last night as I'm putting Paige to bed she tells me that see needs to tell Sophie (our cat) goodnight. She walks over to her and says "MONKEY POOPOO!" and laughs hysterically to herself all the way back to bed.

I love my life.

New camera

2011-07-07T01:17:00.000-04:00

The faster my heart is beating the slower the music sounds

2011-06-12T17:19:00.001-04:00

Music works best when your ears are between the speakers.

Love

2011-05-25T23:50:00.002-04:00

After explaining to Zoe that the phrase "love conquers all" means that there's nothing stronger than love, she replies:

"I'm full of love.

Paige is full of love, too.

I think kids have more love than grownups"

Fire

2011-04-22T22:10:00.009-04:00

Last weekend the family and I were in Dallas visiting friends and family. We celebrated my aunt's 60th birthday and our friend Miles' 1st birthday. We also got to see my Dad's new house in the country. It was an event packed 4 days and by Sunday morning we were all ready to come home and relax.

We got back to Austin around 4p and hit some really bad traffic once we got in to Oak Hill a couple of miles before our house. We sat and sat and sat as police cars zoomed past us. I figured there was an accident up ahead. Then we got closer to the "Y" and saw all of the smoke. It looked like a bad fire but we didn't think much of it. We also notice the helicopters. Lots of them.

We turned on to the residential street that leads into our neighborhood and there was a police car blocking the road that we turn on to get to our house. At this point I'm trying not to jump to conclusions. We go the long way to our house and when we get to the point to turn on to our street there's another police car blocking the road. I got out of the car and ask the police if we can go through to our house. A very angry police officer yells at me that there is a fire that I can not go to my house, I can not get my cats, and to get out of the road because I'm blocking traffic.

We pull the car to the side of the road on Scenic Brook and I start talking to others who are waiting to see whats going on. A few people told me that the fire was on streets that are all north of our house. I figure we're ok. However at this point there are Air Force planes dropping red powder from the sky.

Skip decides that he's going to sneak up the creek that runs parallel to the road just south of our house and see if he can get the cats out before the fire moves south.

The girls are restless sitting in the car so we go out to talk to people and say hi to all their pets. It was nice to talk with so many neighbors that I hadn't meet before, but talking with them I find out that the fire isn't where we thought it was. It had started in the large greenbelt that's about 200 ft south of our house. The entire greenbelt was on fire and it was moving north.

At this point I am mentally freaking out because Skip is going directly into the fire. I look at my phone to see if he's called and I see that I have 5 new messages. One was from our friend and neighbor who lives 2 houses down saying that she's been putting out fires on her lawn for an hour before she had to leave. The next was from my neighbor up the cul-de-sac saying that she was putting out fires in OUR lawn and that the police made them leave and she left our water hose on. Another couple of messages are from friends checking to make sure I've evacuated the house and that we're safe. These calls were from 3 or 4 hours ago. At this point I'm pretty convinced that our house is gone.

I call Skip and it rings and rings and rings and goes to voicemail. I try again in 10 mins. Same thing. Now I'm thinking that Skip isn't coming back. I'm trying not to freak out as Zoe keeps asking me over and over why we can't go home.

Over an hour goes by of me and the girls watching the helicopters drop water, and airplanes dropping fire retardant, and talking with neighbors before Skip comes walking back. He said that it got too hot and he could feel ash on his face so he turned back. Holy shit!!! As an interesting side note, he wasn't the only one to get the idea of walking down the creek. He made some "creek buddies" while on his walk and one of them gave us a ride to our car later that night.

Waiting and more waiting. And the girls are going nuts. We keep hearing reports that the fire is 80% contained, 90% contained, 95% contained, but they weren't letting us through to our house.

Finally at around 8p they let us walk through the police barricade (they didn't want cars driving over the water hoses). Skip went ahead to go check on the cats and the house. At this point the girls had have it. They were in the car all day, waiting for hours in the street, and hadn't eaten dinner. Paige was at the end of her rope and was refusing to walk on the side of the street (firetrucks and emergency vehicles are still zooming around). I don't even know how long it took to walk that quarter mile. While we were walking Skip called to tell us that our house was still standing and that the cats were alright.

When we got to the house there were 4 or 5 firetrucks parked directly in front of our house, and many of the firefighters were resting on our stone wall. As we walk up they ask if this is our house. They tell me that we were seconds from losing it. Our next door neighbor's wood pile caught fire, which is about 6 inches from our fence. They said that they barely put it out in time. Then said neighbor walks by and says that he put out a fire in our trash can that's right up next to the house.

When we walk inside the house is full of smoke and the power is out. It's hard to see. Zoe starts freaking out. It takes us a couple of minutes to catch Sophie and put her in the carrier, and while Skip and I are busy with that Paige keeps letting Miro out of her carrier. Somehow we make it out of the house and that's when I notice out neighbors house across the driveway is completely gone. You can see in one side and out the other. We were talking with her while we were waiting. She was the only person who said what everyone else was thinking, "I hope my house is still there."

We were told that the fire wasn't 100% contained and that no one was allowed to stay over night, not that we would have with all that smoke and no power. Our good friend hooked us up with a place to stay that night.

The next day we come to check on the house. It looks just fine. The only problem is the smell is something awful. We had the inside tested for ash and luckily they didn't find any. They told us to run the A/C continually and change the air filters out every day until the smell is gone.

The firefighters knocked down part of the fence to get into the backyard. It was surprisingly easy to fix. Only one of the boards broke.

There are some burnt spots on our lawn next to the driveway, by our trashcans up by the house, and in our front garden bed by the main street. All of the branches of the oak tree that extend into our neighbors backyard were burnt. Other than that you can't tell that there was a massive fire here less than a week ago.

I found out that our neighbor up the cul-du-sac, the one who put out fires on my lawn, and who has a 2 year old and a 3 month old, completely lost their house. Nothing left except for the stone wall in the front of the house and part of the metal roof.

The firefighters did an amazing job. All of the houses could have been lost instead of just 21.

Our camera broke right before Paige's birthday at the beginning of the month. Can you believe it? Of all the times to not have a camera!

I'm still processing all of this. I've spent most of my emotional energy helping the girls work through this that I'm just not starting to sit with the feelings for myself.

Our house is in the middle of the damage. It went around us. It feels really strange to be getting back to normal when there are so many neighbors who don't have a house anymore.

Zoe was hit the hardest. She is terrified that the fire is going to come back. It doesn't help that every time we walk outside it smells like we're walking into a giant fireplace or that 6 days later there are still helicopters circling above the house. But the worst reminder is the house across the driveway that's just sitting there crumbling. The woman who lived there doesn't have homeowners insurance. There's no telling how long it's going to be before that house is torn down and it might not be rebuilt.

Skip was laid off at the end of March and when that happened I decided that my new personal motto was going to be "Appreciate all that I have". Well, this fire really reinforced that. I have so much. It's inspired me to purge through all the crap in the house to get down to things that are really important.

This post seems unfinished, but that's all I've got right now.

New Motto

2011-04-11T23:17:00.001-04:00

Pardon our mess, child development in process.

2011-01-26T22:52:00.000-05:00

The strongest oak of the forest is not the one that is protected from the storm and hidden from the sun. It's the one that stands in the open where it is compelled to struggle for its existence against the winds and rains and the scorching sun
– Napoleon Hill

Love

2011-01-02T23:07:00.003-05:00

Zoe and I were laying down. I had my arm around her and I smelled her hair.

Me: You smell like chocolate cake.

Zoe sniffing my armpit: You smell like stinky toes.

Asparagus

2010-12-29T19:10:00.004-05:00

Started here (actually here)Now they look like this

This American Beauty Bush will be planted nearby as soon as the night temps are consistently above freezing.

2010-12-20T23:15:00.004-05:00

Although the day started out a bit chilly we ended up in the upper 70s and found our long-sleeved shirts almost too much while we played on the playground this afternoon.

We also took a trip to my fav local garden place The Natural Gardener where I got myself a nifty new sun hat and a ton of poppy seeds. Oh, poppies. There's something magical about you even in your legal form. I bought Icelandic poppies, California poppies, giant orange poppies and the gorgeous red poppies that Natural Gardner sells from their own seed.

I'm going to dig a bed for them along the east gate of the backyard leading down to the driveway. By March they will be a 3' sea of red, orange and white.

ACE Computers - No sales, no trespassing

2010-12-19T11:14:00.000-05:00

Well, that's one way to do business.

Thanks for the warning

2010-12-18T21:56:00.002-05:00

Late Fall Garden

2010-12-16T22:02:00.010-05:00

Sugar snap peas from the garden. I'll plant these again next season. They are crisp, sweet and easy to grow. The girls even eat them sometimes. Zoe also thinks they are great for creating letters.

We've been doing a lot of planting during this lovely fall weather. We've added 4 or 5 red yuccas, 3 trailing rosemary plants, a couple of Mexican feather grasses, the succulent below whose name I have forgotten with the insanely bright pink flower...

We also have quite a few plants still in pots: 2 American Beauty Bushes that will be planted in the backyard, a trumpet vine for the back fence, a Pride of Barbados, 2 yuccas, and a white trailing Lantana.

Oh, and I planted asparagus in the backyard! They are mostly roots but just wait until next year. They are going to be beauties. I've got more plans for this area of the backyard. I'll post "after" pics soon.

Before

This ground is incredibly difficult to dig. I hit limestone almost as soon as I start.

We've had a few nights with freezing temperatures. I lost the soybeans, but other than that everything seems to be doing just fine. The row cover makes me think of Halloween.

The stick that Paige and Zoe fought over while I was creating the new bed in the backyard... Because it's the only stick worth playing with, right?

Thursday Morning

2010-12-16T17:15:00.007-05:00

I had a great morning with my girls. We went to the newly renovated playground that's right down the street.

After checking out all of the new playground equipment we went exploring on the walking trails. We were firefighters and found a fire berry bush and went in search of a fire to extinguish.

We heard and saw a flock for crows! CA!

Afterwards while on our way to Chuy's for lunch we saw a REAL car fire.

Snap Shot of Headlines on CNN.com

2010-12-12T01:03:00.002-05:00

'Bad bacteria' eating Titanic

Will, Kate and the souvenir debate

Steve Harvey: 'I don't have female friends'

Squirrel in toilet scares granny

News quiz: Take the CNN Challenge

Expert: Assange file can't be cracked

Taliban: Life among U.S. enemies

Camel falls into crowd

Your year in 10 sentences

2010-11-29T00:11:00.000-05:00

FOCUS

Mental Note

2010-10-27T00:55:00.000-04:00

Paint something!

2010-10-15T19:25:00.001-04:00

Our health care system is based on the premise that health care is a commodity like VCRs or computers and that it should be distributed according to the ability to pay in the same way that consumer goods are. That's not what health care should be. Health care is a need; it's not a commodity, and it should be distributed according to need. If you're very sick, you should have a lot of it. If you're not sick, you shouldn't have a lot of it. But this should be seen as a personal, individual need, not as a commodity to be distributed like other marketplace commodities. That is a fundamental mistake in the way this country, and only this country, looks at health care. And that market ideology is what has made the health care system so dreadful, so bad at what it does.

-- Dr. Marcia Angell, former editor in chief of the New England Journal of Medicine

Fall Garden

2010-09-29T23:13:00.003-04:00

The second round of carrots are planted. Kale and Rainbow chard seeds are also in the ground.

The snap peas are about 1/2 tall and the teeny tiny little carrot leaves from the first planting have popped up.

And the one crazy, unexpected veggie - spinach! I planted spinach in May and it never grew because they didn't get enough direct sun due to the 2 trees nearby. Well, the trees dropped almost all of their leaves last month due to the heat. I stopped watering, but our cat Miro has been lending a hand and using my garden box as her litter box. Not sure I'm going to be eating any.

I'm too tired to take pictures.

More updates later....

Insomnia + Teething =

2010-09-21T17:35:00.003-04:00

I've got bad insomnia. Paige is cutting 4 molars and each has one tip that has broken through.

5 nights insomnia + 4 new molars = NIKKI ZOMBIE

MUST SLEEP or I'LL BE AFTER YOUR BRAIN because I can't find mine.

Forgiveness

2010-09-18T00:08:00.005-04:00

The day started out good enough. Zoe, Paige and I went to Mayfield Park for a playdate with one of Zoe's old school friends. Paige was completely taken with the peacocks and Zoe found a giant peacock feather.

After lunch I feel asleep while putting Paige down for a nap. "Falling asleep" is the wrong way to describe it. It was more like cognitive leaping from sleep to dream to consciousness and the back around the loop again, all the while serenaded by brain playing "Particle Man" by They Might Be Giants. It was one of those dreaming-with-eyes-open sleep. I "slept" for 3 hours. I can't remember the last time that happened.

When I got up it looked like rain so I hurriedly prepped the soil with fertilizer and minerals and planted the carrots and peas in the garden box that Zoe and I worked on earlier this week.

We grabbed some dinner. Put the girls to bed. Skip isn't feeling well and went to bed early. I'm the only one awake in the house right now, well actually our cat Sophie is up exploring. This is a rare moment.

That's when I realize that it's Yom Kippur. Since New Year in my space moments between changing diapers, cooking, working, cleaning, I've been going over the events of the past year, thinking about things I said or things that I didn't say. In all honesty, I owe almost everyone I know (save casual acquaintances and the like) an apology for something. I definitely owe every one of my family members an apology. I've been thinking about this a lot and yet I haven't apologized to anyone. My mistakes are abundant. I'm wondering why.

From my shortsightedness of the situation I'm in the place because I'm too wrapped up in my own shit (i.e. trying to keep the depression and anxiety at bay, trying desperately to figuring out how to manage life with 2 little ones, a house, a job, one car .....) Very recently I've gained some insight about my own issues and what it boils down to is that I'm not so good at taking care of my own needs and that makes it nearly impossible for me to be at my best. Before I had kids it wasn't a big deal. I had lots of free time to take care of myself by reading books, hanging out with friends, planning meals, getting enough sleep (sometimes), drinking enough water, organizing my space (without a small person throwing everything on the floor immediately after), mediating, practicing yoga... the list goes on. Now I have non-stop, unrelenting competition for my time and energy. I'm still learning the balancing act, but things are starting to get levelish, and I've learned so much for becoming a parent that I think things will spiral up and I'll be in a better place then where I started.

I've also been disconnected from Judaism since the girls were born. I went back to Judaism in 2001 for a couple of reasons, namely to be part of a community and to feel connected to ancient rituals. In part of me not taking care of myself like I should I've also not put energy into religion.

But none of that explains why I haven't apologized. So here it is, a little late.

If I've hurt you I'm sorry. It was done without malice or intent to cause suffering. I've made many mistakes and if you're one of the people who took some of fallout I'm lucky to have you in my life as a learning partner. I ask your forgiveness.

If it seems impersonal it is, and it doesn't completely sit right with me. But I figure it's better to get it out there in some way in the unlikely event that it brings comfort to someone where it would do nothing rambling around in my head.

2010-09-04T22:52:00.002-04:00

A word is a leaky vessel that fails to contain it's meaning over time, which is why we must repeatedly use it. For this reason fields of philosophy based on words - i.e. linguistics and many forms of logic - are at best intellectual games.

I can't stand reading Wittgenstein. Seriously makes me what to tear my hair out more with each sentence. Noam Chomsky, on the other hand, I could read and talk about all day.

If I had time to read and think, like before there were munchkins running around, I'm sure I could figure out what is triggering my hatred of one and love of the other.

That's all for now. There's more to this post but I'm too tired to get it out of my head.

2010-09-02T01:21:00.000-04:00

"When a child hits a child, we call it aggression. When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility. When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault. When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline."

- Haim Ginott

Veggie Garden Round 2

2010-08-28T23:10:00.005-04:00

I bought the seeds for the fall garden today. I'm going to try my luck with rainbow chard, "little finger" carrots which I hear are very sweet, scallions, giant snow peas, kale, snap bush beans, soybeans and broccoli. I also have some cabbage seeds left over from last year so I'll give them a chance to see if anything grows. I'm getting some veggies out of the ground this year!

I had wanted to start building the new raised boxes today but it wasn't in the cards. My drill isn't holding a charge and the girls were going nuts.

I'm working on big plans for the rest of the yard. I've got enough projects lined up for the next 5 years at least. The first up are creating walking paths from the driveway to the front door and the back gate.

Depending on the cost I'm going to fence the front yard with a small 3' or 4' high wood framed wire mesh fence to keep the girls from running out into the road. There will be a gate with Asian style arbor at the top of the stairs to prevent the kiddos from falling down the stairs that lead to the mailbox and the street.

For the spring I'm going to build some raised beds for a cut flower garden. I'll also be working on the planter beds in the front and the back, adding river rock to create a dry creek bed under the eaves of the roof.

The chinaberry trees have got to go. Not only are they invasive, but are the berries poisonous, and the fallen leaves and berries toxify (is that a word?) the ground so other plants can't grow. So at some point, to the unhappiness of Skip and Zoe, the chinaberry trees are coming down along with the holly bushes in the front.

I've also got plans for adding some bird- and butterfly-loving plants in the backyard, a seating area with fire pit, and more, more, more.

Teething. Arg.

2010-08-22T18:10:00.000-04:00

I need sleep to make things work.

Austin: Home of Intellectual Livestock

2010-08-18T00:20:00.002-04:00

I didn't realize that cattle were that philosophical, generous, and well organized too.

2010-08-10T00:36:00.002-04:00

OK. I officially choose the WRONG spot for the garden. Dually noted. The veggies that haven't died aren't getting any bigger or producing.

Moving on... I'll be building some boxes in the side yard for the fall garden. Live and learn.

Garden Update

2010-07-31T22:52:00.003-04:00

I've been so busy lately with my new job that it seems that I never find time to update the blog :(

Here's what's been happening with the garden:

- The squash vine borers killed all the pumpkins save 2 vines. I planted more seeds and kept them under row cover. Last week we got a ton for rain and the vines got mildew. I removed the row cover a couple of days ago and the squash vine borers are back. Basters! They've hit all the vines except for 1. I want pumpkins for Halloween! This vine better make it.

- My one pepper was picked and eaten by a raccoon. A new bud pooped up a couple of days ago.

- I harvested my soybeans - all 5 of them.

- The spinach is healthy but not growing. They are still all about 3" tall.

- The watermelon seem to be doing well. They vines are about 2 feet and have gown through a few flower cycles.

I've decided that there's not enough direct sunlight on the veggies and that's why the spinach isn't growing, the soybeans stopped producing and the peppers are producing slowly. There are 2 chinaberry trees close to the garden boxes that are blocking the afternoon sun. I'm going to chop them down. All I need is a chainsaw. Anyone want to help? Sounds fun, yeah?

Blast and Bugger

2010-06-13T23:12:00.003-04:00

Something has been cutting down my pumpkin vines! I'm glad that I over planted.

I took one of my damaged vines to Natural Gardener and they identified the pest - squash vine borers.

The larvae eat the inside of the stem. Little buggers! I've covered what's left of the pumpkin vines (about 3 made it) and planted some more pumpkin seeds which should be ready to harvest mid-October just in time for Halloween. Zoe found the seeds that grow the biggest pumpkins, up to 100lbs each according to the package. We'll see if we can get a couple of 50 pounders.

There has been an unusually high amount of rain this year in Austin. We had thunderstorms come through last week. The veggie garden needed it. The pepper plant also lost most of it's lower leaves from the heat. Got to love 95 degrees with 99% humidity. ULK!

The first pepper has appeared.

This weekend we'll be installing a new playscape in the backyard. I'll be busy leveling the ground for the next few days. I'm a bit worried about space. I just found out that a playground needs a 6' "safe area" around all sides. Zoe and Paige just might be sliding down into the watermelon vines. Tomorrow I'm going to measure and stake out the area, so we'll see.

2010-06-10T00:31:00.002-04:00

There has been an unusually high amount of rain this year in Austin. We had thunderstorms come through last night and last most of the day. The veggie garden needed it.

Yesterday I lost 2 of the pumpkins but luckily I hadn't thinned them out so we'll still have lots! The pepper plant also lost most of it's lower leaves from the heat. Got to love 95 degrees with 99% humidity. ULK! This morning I did see the very tiny beginning of a pepper.

Zoe's Quote of the Day

2010-05-30T00:21:00.001-04:00

I said to Zoe as she was wrapped up in a warm blanket "You sure are toasty."

Zoe replied, "Well, I have been eating a lot of toast lately."

Good News, the Veggies are growing

2010-05-28T23:09:00.006-04:00

I'm always amazed when things grow. I mean REALLY! How do they know what to do? I set the movement going providing the right environment (soil, food, water, placement with access to light), but the seeds have done all the work.

These before pictures were taken on May 20th and I took the after pictures this morning - 8 days later.

Soybeans - Last week

Soybeans - This morning

The soybeans are growing faster than the sunflowers (in the middle) which were suppose to act as their trellis. I'm not sure if the sunflowers are going to make it because the beans are blocking their light.

Watermelon - Last Week

Watermelons - This morning
The watermelons are lost their flowers and are starting to resemble a vine.

Pumpkins - Last week

Pumpkins - This morning
We are going to have an amazing pumpkin patch by fall.

I had an extra spot in the square so I bought this pepper plant. It's grown a couple of inches already.

The spinach is just starting to sprout.

Just liked this shot

Some pics of the garden and...

2010-05-17T22:56:00.007-04:00

Thu Buddha Garden in the back yard

Veggie Garden

Century Cactus

Lantana

Pink Skullcap

Couple of red yuccas

Yellow primrose

My cutie who has decided that it's time to start potty training. She's in the "flower bathroom" so I thought it was fitting to include in this post :)

Seeds

2010-05-14T22:50:00.004-04:00

At last, the seeds are in the ground! The rain gods are pleased and have provided a steady sprinkle most of today and there's a chance for more this weekend.

The two starter plants are watermelons. The spinach is planted in the middle two rows, and the pumpkins are on the side by Godzilla, who I think is going to make a great scarecrow, but we shall see...

I also planted soybeans and sunflowers in the round bed but somehow those pictures were deleted from the camera. I'll take more tomorrow.

The sunflowers will be the support for the beans. Can't wait to see how that turns out.

Dirt! And Lots of It

2010-05-12T00:24:00.004-04:00

The past few days I've been spending time at my favorate garden center The Natural Gardener, which also happens to be about a mile from our house.

The girls and I filled a wagon full of flowers and plants for the front rock beds. Most of them are in the ground.

I went back the next day to bag my own dirt. I'm so glad that Skip came with is on his lunch break to watch the girls. I shoveled 10 50-lb bags. Holy crap, I get why it's so much cheaper to bag it yourself. I was so tired by the end that I had a hard time getting the bags in the trunk of the car.

I built a couple of raised veggie beds in the backyard, one from cedar board and the other from stone, then filled them with the 500lbs of dirt. The veggies go in tomorrow.

Stay tuned for pictures.

Weeds

2010-05-09T22:20:00.006-04:00

I dreamt last night. It's been a long time since I've slept like that.

Today was great! We got alot done with the house. Skip and I went to Lowe's without the girls. I forget how easy it is to get things done without them. Don't get me wrong I love those two little sweeties.

We bought a new range/oven and microwave to replace the old, non-functioning, avocado green dutch oven. We bought a glass pendant light for the guest bathroom is completely changes the looks of the room. Who know one light could do that. After I paint the walls I'll post pics. This is probably be our first complete remodel project.

For my summer vegetable garden I had planned on building 3 4'x4' boxes. Change of plans after finding out that cedar for each box costs $55. That's way more than I had budgeted, so I bought enough wood for one box that I'll hopefully get to put together tomorrow and I'm going to create the other raised beds with some stone that we have on the property.

I keep going back and forth on where I'm going to place the veggie beds. At first I thought that the only place that would get enough light is in the front yard next to the drive way, but now I think I might try to place them in the backyard so that I can work on them while the girls play. There's not much direct sunlight in back. I'm going to have to cut some of the large branches from a couple of the trees to make it work. Or maybe I'll there will be some in the front and some in the back. I don't know.

And speaking of rocks... I got to spend some more time in the front stone bed this evening. There was a light rain this afternoon and the weather was in the 70s. After the girls went to bed I pulled weeds until it got too dark. There's something very meditative about weeding. I can't put it into words just yet. I'm relieved to know that there are still bugs in our yard even though the sprayed pesticide for ants all over the yard a couple of days before we moved in. Arg. So much for my organic garden. At least for a few months. So far I've seen ladybugs, ants (ha!), doodlebugs, caterpillars, butterflies, a stink bug, a cricket, some beetles, and something that might have been a lacewing (still not up on all my bugs yet)... oh, and Zoe found a pink caterpillar.

I spent about an hour weeding and only got about 10' or 15' done. Oh but I have a huge bucket of weeds as my price at the end of the day. What do I do with them?

Moving Day

2010-05-08T22:12:00.001-04:00

We moved. Mostly. The movers came at 8a and brought all the big stuff to our new house. We still have bits and pieces at the duplex. It's all been very surreal. It hasn't sunk in that this is *our* house. I still feel like the bank or the previous owner or someone could change their mind and we'd have to leave.

Skip's parents drove down this afternoon and got us started on the wood floors. Donovan mowed the front yard.

This afternoon I pulled weeds int he stone planting beds while Paige took a nap in the stroller. The weather was perfect: 70s, overcast, slightly breezy. I learned my first gardening lesson - weeds are much easier to pull when they have been watered. We have lots of sticker bur weeds. There are also hollies growing all over the front lawn. Not great on bare feet. I need to research how to get rid of them. Oh and the large holly bushes in front of the house are getting yanked up ASAP.

I dead headed the roses, which leads me to lesson 2: I need clippers :)

Holy Molly Guacamole!

2010-04-15T22:11:00.006-04:00

We are going to be home owners in one week! We close on May 3.

The house is a 4 bedroom 2.5 bath with a study. It's the biggest house that we've seen at 1800 sft and it's in Skip's favorite neighborhood Oak Hill.

It's on a beautiful corner lot with tons of trees and almost a third of an acre. I never thought that we would be able to get a house like this.

It was build in 1974 and I seriously believe that the decor has not been updated ever. There's green floral wallpaper in the kitchen and orange and pink floral wallpaper in the kids bathroom. There's more wallpaper in the dining room.

The kitchen sports avocado green counter tops with matching stove and oven. All of the windows are covered in heavy blackout curtains.

With four bedrooms everyone gets a room. The girls will have their playroom and Skip and I will each have our own office. One (or both) of the offices will double as a guest room so for our all out of town friends and family, please come visit!

The formal dinning room is going to be our library. There is also an in between space that the listing agent called a study. We'll be using that area as our TV room. I thought that we wouldn't be able to get any of these things in our first house. These were all long term goals.

We have BIG plans for updating basically everything. We'll start painting as soon as we get the keys. The paint colors I'm looking at are bold. We'll also be replacing the carpet with laminate in the main living areas. All the light fixtures, window treatments, etc need updating. At some point will also overhaul all the baths, knock down some walls and the update kitchen but probably after I go back to work full time.

But the part I'm most looking forward to is the garden. I've been planning my garden for at least 10 years. In the front I'm going to plant naive plants in the rocks above the stone wall. I'll add some more plants to the borders in front of the house. It's difficult to tell from the picture but there are roses all along the front. They're blooming right now. I'm going to take out the holly bushes and add at least one Pride of Barbados and some other plants TBD.

The only part of the yard that gets full sun is the right side. I'm planting my vegetable garden there, at least for this season. We're going to get a tree service to check on the health of the trees and cut back some so that I can get some more sun in the back yard. Then I might be able to move the veggies back there.

I've never grown veggies. I've been doing a lot of reading and feeling overwhelmed with information. I think it's going to be one of those things that you need to do to get it. It's late in the yard to plant many things but I'm going to try to grow snap peas, chard, kale, spinach, okra, cantaloupe, eggplant, watermelon, carrots, asparagus and lots of herbs.

Next season I'll be adding more to the list. I'll also try to replace our lawn with slow growing grasses mixed in with some ground cover. Still looking into this. I wish that Buffalo grass would grow in shade. Mowing the yard this summer is going to be interesting.

The backyard will have a playground and kiddie pool for the girls. We're going to hang a couple of swings in the front yard from the oak trees.

We are going to make our property a certified wildlife habitat. It's actually very easy. Along with all the native plants animals will also find lots of birdseed to munch. I might make a brush pile. There will be some kind of bird bath. We'll have at least 3 or 4 bird feeders, and some bird houses and a bat house. I'm sure I'm forgetting some things but I'm planning on updating the blog as I go.

Zoe's Quotes of the Day

2010-03-31T00:55:00.000-04:00

"I'm super duper angry!"

"You can only see what you can see."

Envision It

2010-03-11T22:20:00.016-05:00

Last Thursday night I saw a listing for a house that looked amazing. Skip and I decided that we would both see it the next day. I knew that this was going to be our house from the beginning.

On Friday we met our real estate agent there around 1:30p. The house was as near perfect as it gets. The house has a great set up. It's on a cul-de-sac in my favorite neighborhood and backs to a large open space used to collect runoff rainwater. But details are what puts this house over the top.

I usually don't like brick, but somehow they made it work. I love the detail on the top of the front door. This motif was repeated through the interior as well.

The living room is beautiful, large and open to the kitchen and dining room. All of the house has wood laminate floors except for the carpet in the living area. The current owners installed a custom stained concrete fireplace base, and matching counter tops in the kitchen and bath. They are absolutely beautiful.

From the kitchen you can look out to the dining room and the living room. Notice the details.

It also turns out that the current owners share our taste in furnature. We have the EXACT same coffee maker, TV stand, side tables and Ikea dresser.

Love the floating shelves and bamboo blinds in the dinning room

Here's a pic of the master bedroom: small but not too shabby. The master bath was recently updated. The tub was deep enough for an adult to soak fully submerged. I think the bath cabinets are West Elm if I have to guess.

At this point I wanted to buy this house. I knew that this was our house without even seeing the yard in person.

There is a sunroom off the living room. What a wonderful addition. Perfect for the days when it's too cold, hot or mosquitoy to go outside and play. I envisioned our kitties spending a lot of time in this room. Oh, yeah, I forgot that they had our same Ikea kids table in the sunroom. They were using it for a plant stand.

The yard is amazing. The pictures don't do it justice. Again, it's the details. The proportions were very well thought out and there's plenty of room for my garden. There are two "windows" cut out of the back fence so that you can go behind the property out into the hill that leads sown to the water.

There's a gate around the side yard that looks as if it's hiding an A/C unit or trash cans, but when I opened it I found an outdoor shower. How freaken cool. There's also a fort that was built at the top of the fence and a slide. Zoe went down the slide about 10 times and then proclaimed "Let's buy this house!"

Can you believe this laundry room? I'm getting inspired to get more organized just looking at it.

And there's a workshop in the garage that is just screaming to be converted into a studio for Skip.

There's more that's great about this house, but I think you get the point.

I LOVE this house. We decided to make a bid on it that day and start getting everything in order right away.

Around 5p we get the news that there are 3 other offers. We decided to offer more than the asking price with no strings. Our agent told us that our offer was strong and thought we would get it.

We found out the next day that we were outbid. The house sold for almost $10k more than the asking price.

I'm so disappointed. I don't ever fall for houses like this. I feel like I've been rejected by a high school sweetheart. This whole week I've been going over this again and again. All the details that make this house so special. I don't want to look at other houses. I feel completely deflated by this process. Everyone says the same thing in reply - there's another house out there for you, at least you know you can find something you like, etc, etc.

So this post is my message to the universe. I love this house. I want a house that is like this or better. Prove my friends right and let there be another house for me.

Holy Crap! I finished a project

2010-02-23T00:12:00.004-05:00

Socks for the Blue Dragon (aka Bennett)

I'm not thrilled with the way that the pattern does the turning of the heal, but otherwise I think these turned out to be pretty cute.

To My Daughters, My Greatest Teachers

2010-01-26T20:42:00.005-05:00

I have learned more about myself and life in the past 4 years than I had ever imagined.

Zoe and Paige you are my greatest teachers.

You have taught me to finally love my body and appreciate the miracles that it is capable of.

You have taught me patience beyond anything I had thought possible.

You have taught me that love is not finite and keeps expanding.

You have taught me that I am a storyteller.

You have taught me what really makes me angry.

You have reminded me how to play.

You have brought me back outside and rekindled my love of nature.

You are teaching me how to live in the present moment.

Because of you, I've learned how to speak more honestly and openly.

I'm learning that whatever I want for you I have to want for myself first to make it happen.

I hope that I will be able to teach you half of what I've gained from the both of you.

Maternal Instinct Starts Early

2009-12-21T23:47:00.003-05:00

This conversation took place this evening after I told Zoe that I was going to put Paige to bed and she wanted me to stay with her.

Zoe: Can Daddy can put Paige to bed?

Me: No, I have to put her to bed.

Zoe: Why?

Me: Because Daddy can't make Mommy Milk. Only girls can make Mommy Milk.

Zoe: Do I have Mommy Milk?

Me: Not right now. When you become an adult you can choose to have a baby and then you'll have Mommy Milk.

Zoe: When my eggs go down into my feet.

Me: hmmmm

Zoe: But I want a baby NOW.

Me: Your body's not ready to have a baby yet. Maybe Paige can be your baby for now.

Zoe: No! I want my OWN baby!

Grrrrrrrrrrrr

2009-11-13T22:12:00.004-05:00

I received a letter letting me know that my private health insurance premium will be increasing by $50 per month for no other reason than the health insurance company isn't making enough money. This is the 4th time this year that either my or Skip's policy's monthly premium has increased.

This is my shitty high deductible plan that doesn't cover pre-existing conditions and has paid ZERO of my medical expenses EVER.

Tell me again why I'm paying for this?

Paige’s Birth Story – Turn and Face the Strange

2009-10-23T22:04:00.012-04:00

The Thursday before Paige was born I went to see my midwife Michele for my 38 week check up. I was ready for Paige to be here and hoping that she would say that Paige was on the way. Scottie, Michele’s apprentice, checked me and I was only 1 cm dialated, about 60% effaced and Paige was still high in my pelvis (about +3). Michele told me not to get my hopes up that she would be born before my 39 week check up. I was disappointed but thought I’d try to prove the prediction wrong.

After the appointment I quickened the pace of my walks around the block and concentrating on doing squats throughout the day. Something must have worked. On Sunday, Paige had dropped very low. I felt like she was going to fall out. It hurt to stand, to sit, to walk. I couldn’t wait for her to be born.

Monday was a normal day. I didn’t do much because I was feeling very pregnant and achy. Zoe didn’t take her nap, but desperately needed one, so I took her for a ride to the store with the hope that she would fall asleep before we got there. Once we got in the car I decided to drive around for awhile to give her a chance to fall asleep. I started having contractions, which I thought were Braxton-Hicks. For about the past month or two I’d been having BH contractions that would happen on and off for hours.

I wove around the UT campus area for about 30 minutes before giving up on the nap, when I noticed that the contractions were happening regularly. I started timing them about 6 minutes apart. Zoe and I stopped by the pet store and picked up some food for the kitties then headed home. By the time we got home the contractions were 5 minutes apart. The odd thing was that the contractions weren’t that painful – they were annoying – similar to menstrual cramps.

I told Skip that I thought that I might be in labor. His response was that we were out of bottled water and wanted to go to the grocery store to get some more. For those of you who know Skip you’ll see the humor in that. I persuaded him to hold off on going to the store until we talked to Michele and figured out if I was in labor.

Scottie came over to the house to check to see if things were in motion. I was 2cm dialated and confirmed that Paige had dropped very low and was sitting about 2” from the exit, so to speak.

I was in early labor, which was very strange to me. I didn’t experience early labor with Zoe. With her, my water broke, went into active labor and Zoe was born a little over 3 hours later.

We called everyone to let them know that I was in labor. Things were moving slowly. Skip went out to get me some dinner and bottled water. Zoe went over to her friend Darlene’s house for the night. My friend De’Andrea came over to be apart of the birth. She teaches the Bradley Method of natural childbirth and offered her support during the birth. It felt like we were having a party. We were all sitting around the living room talking and eating cookies.

When Michele got to the house I was still at 2cm but the contractions were coming closer together and getting stronger. The party atmosphere was fading as I had to concentrate harder with each contraction. Michele told me that she didn’t think that Paige would be born that night and suggested that I get as much sleep as I could so that I’d have plenty of energy for the birth. She told me to send everyone home, take a Benadryl (which slows down contractions), take a bath and drink some wine. Scottie and Michele left and De’Andrea went out to get a bottle of wine. I took a Benadryl and sat in the bath. But I couldn’t relax because I couldn’t get comfortable during the contractions.

I only drank about 3 sips of the wine. The contractions were becoming more intense and I was beginning to feel drowsy from the Benadryl, so I went to lie down to do the Bradley relaxation stuff. When De’Andrea left the contractions were about 3 minutes apart.

I had planned on using the Bradley Method of relaxation during labor. I read all the books and thought I knew enough techniques to get me through the pain. It was very easy to keep my body relaxed in the early stages of labor. I was able to manage the contractions laying down for awhile but I found that lying down was making me very tense, so I got up to move around. I couldn’t find a comfortable position to labor in and got into the shower.

The contractions were getting more intense so Skip called Michele and Scottie to tell them to come back to the house. He left a message for De’Andrea to come back also. Scottie arrived at the house around 11pm. I was in active labor at this point, and had given up on relaxing my way through the contractions. At this point I went back to the only thing that helped me during my labor with Zoe – moaning and screaming. I learned the power of vocalizing when I was taking a pre-natal yoga class when I was pregnant with Zoe. The instructor had us in an uncomfortable pose and asked us to vocalize when we got to the point were we felt we needed to move. I was amazed to find that I could hold the pose as long as I was groaning. In labor, unlike most of the rest of the time, I have no problem expressing myself at high volume.

Scottie was great, very warm and helpful. She suggested some positions for labor, the “dancing” thing and sitting on the birth ball, but I ended up back in the shower. I got into a rhythm. Between contractions I stood so that the hot water hit my belly, then when the contractions started I would lean forward and rest my head on Skip and let the water hit my lower back. I labored like this until it was time to push. Skip was great and talked me through each contraction with encouraging words.

With both of my labors towards the end I felt like I was outside of time, at least the linear way in which most of us perceive it. I’m not sure how long I was in the shower, probably about 45 minutes or an hour based on the time she was born.

I pushed on a birthing stool that Michele had set up at the foot of the bed. After the first push Michele said that the baby was coming now and she wanted me to get on the bed but things were moving too fast for me to get up there. While I was pushing Michele was talking to me, but I didn’t really hear what she was saying until she said “Nikki, you’re a teapot. Close your mouth.” I came back to the present moment and thought why is this woman calling me a teapot? Aha! As soon as I closed my mouth Paige crowned. Just then my phone started ringing. Paige was serenaded into the world by David Bowie singing “Changes” via the ringtone on my cell phone. Skip caught Paige on her way out.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
Turn and face the strange
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't want to be a richer man

We couldn’t have planned it that perfectly. It was De’Andrea calling. She had just got Skip’s message to come to the house but wasn’t sure when he left the message so was calling to see how things were going. Thanks De’Andrea.

Paige was born at 12:27am on April 7th. This time I didn’t tear during delivery (Michele and Scottie – you rock!!) Paige had some bruising on her face from being smooched against my tail bone, poor thing, but was otherwise perfectly healthy weighing in at 6#5 and 19” long. She started nursing with gusto almost immediately after being born and then took a snooze. I felt amazing and didn’t sleep at all.

Skip was a great coach and even remembered some of the things he read in the Bradly books. Thanks, sweetie.

The next morning, Zoe was so excited to meet her new baby sister.

Welcome to the world, baby girl.

Mistakes

2009-10-12T22:38:00.007-04:00

This evening while we were cooking dinner Zoe randomly says to me, "Mommy, I'm nocturnal". Then she added, "you're nocturnal, too."

Well that certainly explains a lot. All these 15+ years I've been dealing with insomnia, I've had it all wrong. I'm not an insomniac, it's just that I need to be sleeping during the day. My mistake.

Today I've been thinking about mistakes. Being over analytical and self critical I tend to focus a good amount of energy going over mistakes that I've made. From an intellectual point of view I understand that no one is perfect and that making mistakes is what it is to be human, but I've had a difficult time applying that kind of leniency to myself. Something clicked today. Lately, I've been reading books on positive/gentle disciple and one common thread is to allow your kids to make mistakes without shaming them for it because it's part of the learning process.

It's also a major component in the creative process. Without mistakes how can we create new ideas, art, concepts, paradigms, inventions, anything?

Zoe, Paige and I were on our way to the fabric store to get some fabric for Zoe's Halloween costume; she's going to be a Monster Catcher. I decided to see if I could discover a way from point A to point B with just a general sense of where I was going. The fabric store is located just north of where two major freeways intersect so the roads are all screwy in that area. It took us about 20 turn-arounds but we finally made it there. Zoe thought it was great fun to see me making some many wrong turns, and it really was fun. My mental map of Austin has expanded.

I'm on a mission to take the "bad" out of mistakes, and keep life playful.

Picture of the amazing vegetable biryani we made tonight

This week in Zoe

2009-10-09T00:58:00.003-04:00

Zoe: I'm scared. Turn off the dark.

---

Me: What are you doing?

Zoe: Sitting on an egg.

Me: hmmm

Zoe: It's a baby Zoe.

---

Zoe was very disappointed to realize that her beloved Daddy is a boy. Zoe is not keen on boys.

Christmas In August

2009-08-01T23:38:00.003-04:00

We all stopped by Hobby Lobby this afternoon to get some craft paints, and I wanted to take a look at the fabric (got this crazy idea that I want to start a new sewing project :)

We walked around the store a bit to cool off since it was 100+ outside, and we found the Christmas section of the store. It was crazy. There must have been at least 20 aisles of Christmas ornaments, trees, wreathes, etc. I'm not a big Christmas person, but it was a nice escape. It reminded me that there will be a time when we can play outside again without getting zonked by the heat.

Flying Solo - Day 1

2009-07-17T23:38:00.004-04:00

This morning the whole gang got up and left for the airport at 5:30am. Skip is in NYC this weekend to audition for a reality show for artists, which leaves me only with the girls for 3 day and 3 nights.

It started out as a bad day. Paige vomited all over herself and the car seat on the way to the airport. I think she might have gagged herself. At least the little one isn't sick. I thought that they would both take a nap when we got home a little after 6am, but I was wrong. Zoe was a bit out of sorts since she'd only had 7 hours of sleep. Thank God for preschool. I told her it was a preschool day and she was happy, happy. Paige also had a couple of massive poos.

The day got better. Zoe had a great time at preschool despite the lack of sleep. We even went to the bookstore afterwards because she was in a great mood. When we came home Zoe took a nap, which doesn't happen that often anymore. Paige's nap even overlapped so that I had an hour to myself. Crazy. I spent most of that time talking on the phone with Bubbie.

We picked up some Chinese food for dinner and some friends came over to play afterwards.

Bedtime is always the most difficult part of the day for me when Skip's not here. I started trying to get Paige down at 7:15pm. I started trying to get Zoe down at 8:30pm. We all ended up in Zoe's twin bed with everyone asleep (expect me) at 9:30pm. Paige woke up when I moved her. Overall it was a pretty good day. Zoe even rubbed Paige's head while she was nursing to comfort her to sleep.

I'm exhausted for getting up so early. I was up late with Skip getting everything ready for today and Paige still wakes me up many times at night. My plan was to go to bed by 10pm. So why am I up blogging instead of sleeping?

I was in the bathroom getting ready for bed when I saw a giant cockroach on one of the bath towels. There are very few bugs that freak me out and this is one of them. I'm just impressed that I didn't completely loose it and run screaming from the room and wake everyone up. My plan was a catch it in a cup and take it outside, which is what we do with the bugs we find in the house. But the MFer was too big to fit in the cup! I ended up taking the towel outside and shaking him off. Yuck!@

So now I'm still on this adrenaline rush. I'm hoping writing it will get it out of my system.

Sad Flower

2009-07-09T23:15:00.003-04:00

Today after preschool Zoe, Paige and I made a Target run to get some craft supplies for tomorrow. We'll be stuck in the house all day while Skip has the car picking up art from Dallas.

I park the car next to the cart corral in the Target parking lot (very important to park close to the cart return when you have two kids in tow). Zoe looks at the carts and makes some pretend "boo-hoo" noises.

As I unbuckle her car seat belt I ask her about it. She tells me the flower on her flower print pants is sad and crying. Why is it sad? It wants to ride in the red shopping cart. I put Zoe in the cart and the flower is happy and laughing.

Seriously.

You've got a what in your freezer?!

2009-07-01T00:31:00.005-04:00

When I was in high school I had a very good friend named Matt. In fact, he was my best friend when I was a junior and senior in high school. But when we first met we were dating.

One night we were having a date night at his house. We were watching a movie. I got hungry and he told me that there was probably something to eat in the freezer. As I looked around the freezer for a pizza I saw something that I couldn't identify in a zip lock bag.

Me: What's in the zip lock bag?
Matt: Oh, that's my sister's placenta.

At 16 I had no idea what a placenta was. Matt had to explain it to me, which he did very well (his mom is a childbirth educator). Once I understood what it was I was completely freaked out. I couldn't comprehend why anyone could possibly have a placenta in their freezer. He told me that his mom was waiting until they moved into the house they were going to stay in forever and then she planned to bury it under a tree. Completely freaked me out. Every time I went over to his house and saw the kitchen all I could think of was "Oh, my God! There's a placenta in the freezer!"

This morning I open my own freezer to see if we have any soy patties and I moved Paige's placenta out of the way to see if the box is behind it. It seemed perfectly natural.

What I difference 15 years can make. At 16 I never thought I'd have kids or be married. Matt died about 3 years ago. We hadn't spoken since 1997. Our relationship didn't end well.

I haven't thought about that night in a long time. I miss you Matt. I wish you were still here even if our lives never crossed again.

Yard Sale!

2009-06-24T00:27:00.003-04:00

Last week while we were in Dallas for Skip's art reception we spent the night with our good friend Angie. He home is awesome! Forgetting the fact that she worked as an interior designer before her little boy arrived, her house is a warm, beautiful place. Staying there inspired me to decorate our house and ask myself why I haven't done much to date. When we got home I realized it's because we have too much stuff, so I'm having a yard sale on Friday. I'm posting it here to keep myself honest. I've never done a yard sale before so I'm not sure what I'm getting myself into. My mind is busy trying to figure out the best way to display 3 trash bags of baby clothes and how to get all the nicknacks up off the ground so that people will be more likely to pick them up. No clue.

Look Mommy, A Giant!

2009-06-09T23:54:00.004-04:00

Some quotes from Zoe:

To me as we were standing in line at Wheatsville and pointing directly at the 6'6" 300+ lb man standing next to us "Look Mommy, a giant!" She repeated herself until I responded that yes, he was a very tall man. I wish I had had a camera to capture the look on her face when she realized that giants actually exist.

To her butt as she was leaning forward on the potty trying to poop "Work with me poopy!" To hear one of my parenting phrases used in such a way makes this even funnier to me.

To Daddy as they were coloring with markers "Draw some more crazy stuff."

To Sophie (our new kitten) as we were telling her goodnight "Make some good poopies and some good naps and we'll see you happy in the morning."

Zoe has recently grasped that things and people can have more than one name. She must have been working on this through her mind for awhile. For weeks the first thing she would say to me when she woke up was "What's your name?" I would tell her that my name is Mommy. After a week or so she followed it with "What's your other name?" I would say Nikki and that would be the end of the conversation. I have to admit that I did get freaked out a couple of times when I went to her in the middle of the night (Because she was calling for me) and I walk into her room, she sits up in bed and says "What is your name?" Those couple of times it felt like a "who are you?" type of question even though I don't think it was. So now Zoe's got it. She'll ask me my name, I'll tell her Nikki and she'll respond "I call you Mommy". She uses it in other areas as well. We were reading a book and they use the word sofa. Zoe says "I call it a couch".
Fish "I call it a fishy"
Alicia "I call her Doo-licia" (Don't ask me why)

Family Life

2009-06-05T16:48:00.009-04:00

Right now is one of those rare moments when I have time to write. Zoe is napping and Skip took Paige out shopping.

These past couple of months have been a blur. Paige is finally starting to sleep more at night. Last night slept from 11pm to 4am! Then she didn't wake up until 6:30am. Ahh... it was so nice. But something about getting sleep after a long stretch of being sleep deprived makes me feel more tired. How does that work? Maybe my body remembers what it feels like to sleep for more than an hour at a time and it wants revenge.

I've felt very groggy today which contributed to me hitting a car in the parking lot when I picked Zoe up from preschool. Doh! Thankfully, the damage was very minor. Our car took some paint off the other car and there's a 2" scratch on our bumper. The lady was very nice. I gave her my information and told her to contact me when she decided what she wanted to do. I'm hoping that she won't file a claim.

Yeah... this week was Zoe's first week of preschool. She did a super amazing job. I'm blown away with how well she did. When I came to pick her up today she didn't want to leave. She painted another picture and played with Playdoh before she decided it was time to go home. She's going to school 9am-1pm Wed, Thurs, and Fri. Wednesday was her first day. Her teacher Meredith said that she was fine most of the day and only asked for me a couple of times, but when I came to pick her up she had an emotional meltdown. I think it was just so much to take in. Thursday was pretty much the same. She was fine all morning and when I came to pick her up she was crying because her friend hurt her feelings by yelling at her. She's asked me a couple of times to play with her at preschool instead of leaving. I think she's loving her time there. It's just a big adjustment from spending all day with me.

Paige isn't crying as much. We're down to a couple of hours of crying a day. What a relief. The colicky baby is turning into a smiley baby. I have to say that if there is one word that describes Paige it's alert. It kind of freaks me out sometimes. She studies me and everything around her with great intensity. I can't imagine what must be going on in her 2 month old brain.

I'm feeling very blessed to have two amazing girls.

Skip is going to Dallas on Sunday to deliver artwork for a solo show at Northlake Collage. It's going to be the first time that I'm alone with the girls all day without a car. It's also the first bedtime without Skip. We still don't have a good bedtime strategy. Both the girls keep each other awake even when they're in two separate rooms with closed doors and sound machines going. I feed a tired Paige, who isn't asleep because Zoe is running around making noise, and hand her off to Skip. Then I lay down with Zoe, who has a hard time falling asleep because she can hear Paige screaming in the other room. If I wait until Paige is asleep to put Zoe to bed then Zoe is overtired and it takes forever. I can only hope that at some point they will stop keeping each other awake. I'd like for them to share a room as soon as Paige is old enough. I'm not sure how this is going to work on Sunday. I keep telling myself that everyone has to fall asleep eventually, right?

Zoe is going to be up any minute now so I should hit post before life gets crazy again.

Sleep... I miss you!

2009-05-01T22:27:00.002-04:00

I got 2 hours of sleep last night. I can honestly say that I understand why sleep deprivation is a form of torture. How I'm still functioning is beyond me. It must be part of the mommy superpowers. Here's what went down.

9:30pm - Both girls are asleep. Before going to bed I listen to my vm and return a couple of calls, check my email, finish us some stuff for my job, do a load of laundry, clean up the dinner plates and talk to Skip for 5 minutes.

11pm- I'm in bed ready to sleep, but it takes me awhile to unwind as usual. It takes a bit longer tonight because Skip and I are going back and forth about what precautions we should take to avoid the swine flu.

around midnight - I had just fallen asleep when Paige woke up wanting some mommy milk.

1am - back to bed, but having trouble falling asleep again... probably fell asleep around 1:45am

1:55am - Paige is crying and wakes up Zoe.

3am - Paige is feed, comfortable and not crying. Zoe is still awake and asking for me. I lay down with her, but she's wide awake.

4am - Zoe finally goes back to sleep. Paige is up again and ready for more mommy milk.

5am - Paige is asleep. I crash into bed and get an hour of sleep!

6am - Paige is crying. I wake up feeling refreshed from the hour of sleep - how sad is that.

6:30am - Paige has fallen back asleep. I go back to bed and get another hour of sleep.

7:30am - Paige is up. She's not hungry, she's got a clean diaper, but still very unhappy.

8:30am - Zoe wakes up (Paige is still awake) and my day begins on 2 hours of sleep.

This can't happen twice, right? I'm going to have a snack and try to get some sleep. Goodnight.

Catching Up

2009-03-30T02:43:00.004-04:00

It's been way too long since my last post. Here's a picture from last week. I'm 37 weeks pregnant and very happy that this little one will be full term when she joins us on the outside.

I'm getting to the point in the pregnancy where I have very little energy and everything seems to take a huge amount of effort, especially things like getting up from lying down or getting up off the floor.

As you can see I'm posting this at 2am. My insomnia is back, but I think I can blame the pregnancy. At least that's what I'm telling myself. My mind isn't on hyper overdrive and my body is relaxed for the most part, I'm just not able to fall asleep.

It doesn't help that I had a dream on Friday night that my water broke. Nothing like waking up in the middle of the night and not sure if you're in labor or not.

I'm looking forward to her birth. If all goes well, she'll be born at home. It's going to be a completely different birth than Zoe's birth at the hospital. I'm hoping that this time the birth will be more peaceful and empowering.

A couple of people have been asking if we need anything. Here's a link to our wishlist. We have most of the big stuff, but could really use diapers and wipes. Also, if anyone has a badass ring sling or other infant carrier that they could recommend, that would be great. I'm thinking I'll need to try some on after she's born.

I've completed a couple of knitting projects that I need to post.

Bring on the tiny needles

2009-03-01T01:37:00.004-05:00

I've been having some pregnancy-related pains in my hips and shoulders lately that were getting to the point that it hurt to do everything, so last Friday I went in for some acupuncture. It was awesome! I went to AOMA student clinic, which just a couple of minutes from our house where you can get an hour session for only $30. I've had acupuncture done about 4 years ago for insomnia and allergies, but never for muscular pain.

Afterward the pain in my shoulders was completely gone, the pain in my hips was barely noticeable and I had more energy than I've had in a long time. I felt great. When I got home I must have overdone it playing with Zoe and baking and cooking and cleaning and everything else. By the end of the night my ankles were swollen from standing and I crashed around 10pm.

It's Saturday night and my shoulders are still feeling great. My hips are OK, but I'll probably need to go back in. They said I should come in once a week. If only I could go every day.

Copy Cat

2009-01-05T23:26:00.003-05:00

I came across some photos of a mural I painted about 10 years ago in Deep Ellum (in downtown Dallas). I did I piece called Copy Cat. You can see the photos here and here.

Since these pictures were taken the tunnel was torn down to make room for a train station. For those of you not familiar with Dallas, this was a landmark that was near and dear to everyone who hung out in Deep Ellum.

There are some other photos of my piece as well as Skip's in the Flickr Good Latimer Tunnel Murals pool.

I Do Love My Plants

2008-11-23T01:00:00.004-05:00

Don't ask me how I came across this article (or might have to admit that I googled "i love plants" in a state of semiconsciousness this evening). It's a gardener blogging about his beef with the movie "The Happening". I'm not really into these types of movies so I don't care that he gave the plot away. What I do care about is the part about plants sending distress signals to other plants who then in response change their chemical make up to defend themselves (see Mean and Green).

Anyone else as surprised about this as I am?

I Heart NY

2008-10-15T23:32:00.003-04:00

Every night for the past few weeks I've had a dream that I was living in NY again. The dreams are strange in that I'm just going about my life; there's nothing dream like about them. In one dream I was walking to work, in another I was hanging out with a friend at a restaurant, in another I was talking to a coworker from my last job in NYC. Now that I think about it I've had at least 3 dreams where I've been hanging out with old coworkers (that includes you Lorna :) I'm not sure what's going on in my subconscious.

I've also been doing a lot of thinking about ways to make a few extra dollars without going back to a corporate job. I haven't come up with anything viable yet, but it did remind me how close I was to majoring in design instead of philosophy as an undergraduate student. I wonder if I would have any freelancable skills, like graphic design, if I'd gone this route. Probably not, but it has stirred up the desire in me to create something from nothing. I know, I'm kind of working on that right now with the whole pregnancy thing, but it feels very passive at the moment. I'll I'm doing to take vitamins and trying to eat healthy stay active while feeling like shit. The baby is doing all the work.

Obama and the Palin Effect

2008-09-11T17:27:00.005-04:00

My friend Sheedeh sent me this article Deepak Chopra. This is a really interesting angle of looking at the presidential election. I took the article from here.

Obama and the Palin Effect

Sometimes politics has the uncanny effect of mirroring the national psyche even when nobody intended to do that. This is perfectly illustrated by the rousing effect that Gov. Sarah Palin had on the Republican convention in Minneapolis this week. On the surface, she outdoes former Vice President Dan Quayle as an unlikely choice, given her negligent parochial expertise in the complex affairs of governing. Her state of Alaska has less than 700,000 residents, which reduces the job of governor to the scale of running one-tenth of New York City. By comparison, Rudy Giuliani is a towering international figure. Palin’s pluck has been admired, and her forthrightness, but her real appeal goes deeper.

She is the reverse of Barack Obama, in essence his shadow, deriding his idealism and turning negativity into a cause for pride. In psychological terms the shadow is that part of the psyche that hides out of sight, countering our aspirations, virtue, and vision with qualities we are ashamed to face: anger, fear, revenge, violence, selfishness, and suspicion of “the other.” For millions of Americans, Obama triggers those feelings, but they don’t want to express them. He is calling for us to reach for our higher selves, and frankly, that stirs up hidden reactions of an unsavory kind. (Just to be perfectly clear, I am not making a verbal play out of the fact that Sen. Obama is black. The shadow is a metaphor widely in use before his arrival on the scene.) I recognize that psychological analysis of politics is usually not welcome by the public, but I believe such a perspective can be helpful here to understand Palin’s message. In her acceptance speech Gov. Palin sent a rousing call to those who want to celebrate their resistance to change and a higher vision

Look at what she stands for:

Small town values — a nostaligic return to simpler times disguises a denial of America’s global role, a return to petty, small-minded parochialism.
Ignorance of world affairs — a repudiation of the need to repair America’s image abroad.
Family values — a code for walling out anybody who makes a claim for social justice. Such strangers, being outside the family, don’t need to be needed.
Rigid stands on guns and abortion — a scornful repudiation that these issues can be negotiated with those who disagree.
Patriotism — the usual fallback in a failed war.
”Reform” — an italicized term, since in addition to cleaning out corruption and excessive spending, one also throws out anyone who doesn’t fit your ideology.

Palin reinforces the overall message of the reactionary right, which has been in play since 1980, that social justice is liberal-radical, that minorities and immigrants, being different from “us” pure American types, can be ignored, that progressivism takes too much effort and globalism is a foreign threat. The radical right marches under the banners of “I’m all right, Jack,” and “Why change? Everything’s OK as it is.” The irony, of course, is that Gov. Palin is a woman and a reactionary at the same time. She can add mom to apple pie on her resume, while blithely reversing forty years of feminist progress. The irony is superficial; there are millions of women who stand on the side of conservatism, however obviously they are voting against their own good. The Republicans have won multiple national elections by raising shadow issues based on fear, rejection, hostility to change, and narrow-mindedness

Obama’s call for higher ideals in politics can’t be seen in a vacuum. The shadow is real; it was bound to respond. Not just conservatives possess a shadow — we all do. So what comes next is a contest between the two forces of progress and inertia. Will the shadow win again, or has its furtive appeal become exhausted? No one can predict. The best thing about Gov. Palin is that she brought this conflict to light, which makes the upcoming debate honest. It would be a shame to elect another Reagan, whose smiling persona was a stalking horse for the reactionary forces that have brought us to the demoralized state we are in. We deserve to see what we are getting, without disguise.

Good news

2008-08-30T22:15:00.004-04:00

I'm pregnant :) From my calculations I'm about 7 weeks along. According to BabyCenter the embryo is about the size of a blueberry.

I know that Zoe is going to be a great big sister.

I'm feeling exhausted. But I've got Miro (the cat) back on my belly again just like last time.

Atti's Sweater

2008-08-04T17:18:00.007-04:00

Skip, Zoe and I just got back from Austin where I was able to see my cousin Jen's new baby Atticus (not pictured in case you were wondering) for the first time and give him this sweater that I've been working on for the past 6 months. This sweater took 4 times longer than I had anticipated, but I love the results!

I took the pattern from Stitch 'n Bitch Nation (called Baby's First Tattoo). I choose the star motif because the sweater needed to be gender neutral, and I thought it looked really cool.

This is my first attempt at intarsia. It took me a few nights just to get the first row of intarsia without a huge whole in between the colors. I finally figured out that the directions I was using we meant for "normal" knitters, you know that ones that knit the right-handed English fashion. My grandmother taught me to knit continental when I was a kid and I've never been able to switch over.

The yarn is sock yarn to be extra snuggly next to soft skin, the brown is 100% cotton and I used red wool to give the garment some shape since I've had difficultly with that when working with cotton. It's meant to be a summer sweater, one that's worn indoors when it's hot outside and the A/C is blasting.

The Corporation

2008-07-11T23:52:00.005-04:00

I really had no idea. I just finished watch a movie called The Corporation.

I knew that corporations were "people" in the eyes of the laws and had all the rights therein. I had no idea that lawyers were able to establish this from the 14th amendment, which was added to the constitution to protect freed slaves.

I have some idea about the new lawsuits involving intellectual property, but I had no idea that the US patent office now allows patents on LIFE - i.e. LIVING organisms - with the only exception being a "fully born human". That means that a corporation can own a gene, an animal, a plant or microorganism.

A Texas corporation called Ricetex received a patent for basmati rice, one of the largest mainstays of India's economy.

I knew that governments gave privately held corporations contracts for public services, but I never heard that companies were trying to privatize water. I like to think that I follow the news, but I didn't realize what happened when the World Bank instructed Bolivia give the water of one of it's larger cities to have a California company, making it illegal to collect rainwater and charging up to 25% of a families income for WATER!*

I do keep up to date on all the very bad things that are happening to the planet, and to us, due to consumerism, but the movie's presentation was a stark reminder of all the work that needs to be done to get off this runaway train.

This movie makes a very strong case that if companies are people then they would be diagnosed as psychopaths by the DSM.

This is really my beef with the health care industry: health care companies are just that companies. They only reason for their existence is to make money. But the result of their bottom lines is that people don't receive needed medial care and people die or their quality of life is diminished.

I'm in shock. I feel nauseous.

I took 7 months off from working after my daughter was born, and spent my days focused completely on the most important thing in my life, my family. I didn't realize how much those months changed the way I looked at things until I went to my first day of orientation at my new job at one of the largest online travel sites.

All the new hires were required to sit through 2 days of PP presentations detailing the history of the company, the company's interests and how I can help gain market share and make more money for the company.

A new hire asked the presenter a question about all the outsourcing that had taken place in recent years, apparently she was concerned about her job security. The presenter, with a straight face, said that we have to understand the company was loosing money and that we have to understand that they need to do what's in their best interest and that we should be sympathetic. Seriously. We should have sympathy. For the large profitable company. Right. Thanks for clearing that up.

Did I mention that marketing is my profession? Shoot me.

The job didn't work out for other reasons (evil boss from hell), and I'm a stay at home mom again. At some point in the near future I will need to go back to work. I don't want to go back into marketing, but I'm not sure what to do instead. I'd like to make money on my own, but every idea I come up with feeds into the same corporate system. Trust me, I don't want to be rich, I just don't want to worry about paying for basic things - place to live, utilities, food, education, etc - and to be able to go on vacation every year. If anyone has any ideas, please let me know.

Footnote
* The people of Bolivia were able to prevent it the Bechtel company from owning the water. You guys rock! I just wish that their water problems were over. They still don't have an effective system in place. Here's the Wiki about the protest.

2008-07-10T13:46:00.005-04:00

I picked up the Unbearable Lightness of Being again. I'm about 150 pages into it now.

I've heard that this is one of those thought changing, paradigm shifting books that transforms the way you see the world like Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, but I don't get that at all.

I'm having difficultly caring about the characters. Tomas is an ass, and I have no sympathy for his struggle between his love for his wife and his continuing desire to have sex with lots of women. Tereza has a bit more depth, but I don't have any emotional attachment to her either. I like Sabina the best. She's strange and reminds me of some friends I knew in high school, but something is lacking.

In places I do like Kundera's writing style. I like the Dictionary of Misunderstood Words, which explains how two people have different meanings for the same words and phrases, and how this leads to miscommunication and the inability to connect. I also like that he explains some of the character's actions by saying that they have vertigo - the desire to fall or to make life fall apart, the desire to take actions that will make your life less stable and/or more painful.

Another Healthcare Post

2008-06-23T16:05:00.005-04:00

The SkipNikZ clan has been sick. Zoe got sick last Monday. I started feeling bad a couple of days later and then Skip got sick.

Skip and Zoe are almost back to normal, except for a cough and feeling a bit tired. I, on the other hand, still feel like crap. I also have a sore throat so I went to the doctor this morning.

The strep test was negative, as was the mono test and the blood test for infection. They didn't find anything, which makes the doctor think that I have a virus. He told me to get lots of rest, drink lots of fluids and gave me a rx for an antibiotic. I didn't understand why he had given me the perscription because he had just told me that the blood work didn't show that I had an infection. When I asked him about it, he said "oh, you don't need it." This is the second time in a month that a doctor has prescribed antibiotics when there has been no evidence of infection.

These doctors are not stupid and I don't think they have some hidden agenda (after all these are generic drugs). When I question them, they all agree that the antibiotics are not necessary. They look at me like they agree with me but that's the way the system works, kind of like the response I gave people who questioned the anti-productive things I did at my job because my boss had his head up his ass.

My theory is that modern medicine doesn't know as much as people would like and when people go to the doctor they want to be fixed. If the doctor just tells them to rest and drink lots of water then the doctor didn't "help" them.

Or maybe people want to feel that they are getting something for their money. I paid $208 for my visit today. That's the discounted price because I have health insurance, even though they most likely wont pay a penny to a health care provider on my behalf this year due to my high deductible. If I didn't have insurance I would have owed them over $400.

On a side note, the nurse who saw me first thought that my birth date was a misprint because I looked to young to be 30 :)

Parenting

2008-06-17T22:48:00.003-04:00

Ever since I read the introduction and the first couple of chapters of Positive Discipline, it's all I can think about. In just these few pages there is so much information that explains human behavior... I feel like I can't take it all in at once. I've read the first chapter twice already.

Up until this point my main concerns with Zoe have been basic - eating, sleeping, pooping, growth, milestones, etc., but lately I've been thinking about what skills I want to teach her to live. I want her to be confident, self-reliant, excited about life, adventurous, thoughtful, respectful of herself and all living beings, to be able to follow a logical argument, and to have wisdom. So how on earth am I going to be able to teach her these things? That's what I'm trying to figure out right now and that's why I picked up the Positive Discipline book.

One thing that really caught my attention was the description of how children behave if they are raised by strict and overly controlling parents on one side, and overly permissive parents on the other side, and then presents the case for Positive Discipline, which is somewhere in the middle. The information presented is fascinating. It's too complex to spell out in a post and I'm not sure that I fully understand it yet. Check out the book if you're interested.

It got me thinking about my own childhood. My father falls into the overly controlling group, and my mother falls into the overly permissive group, so I got both of those in my early years. Then my parents got divorced and my mother remarried when I was 9. My step father was overly controlling and abusive. I've had a few step moms over the years, but they didn't really play a parental role in my life. Then I went back and forth between mom and dad until I went to college. I can honestly say that I can see the shortcomings of both parenting styles. I have a lot of issues that I'm still working on to put it nicely.

I feel like I'm starting from scratch with learning how to be a parent. I know what I don't want to do, but I'm not completely sure how pass along the teachings I mentioned before. I think this book is going to be my jumping off point. I have the feeling that in raising Zoe (and any other kids we might have) that I'm going to be learning as much from the experience as they are.

Did I happen to mention that....

2008-06-04T23:32:00.003-04:00

My knitted sculpture Rain Cloud was chosen for the Outside the Lines 8 show! Yippie!

This exhibition was juried by 3 local art professors and one gallery owner. The Outside the Lines focuses on artwork that is outside the mainstream.

The opening reception is this Saturday night for all you local folks. Love to see you there.

Hospital Visits

2008-06-02T00:17:00.003-04:00

I've made 2 hospital visits in the past 24 hours. Zoe came down with a high fever early Friday morning. Saturday afternoon she developed a rash and we took her to an urgent care center. The doctor told us that it was probably viral and to keep an eye on her rash to see if the spots changed color or didn't disappear when pressure is applied (which is a sign of meningitis). Sure enough right around bedtime last night she developed new spots on her feet that were a dark red and didn't dissapear when pressure was applied. The nurse on call told us to take her to the ER.

Poor Zoe. We woke her up and rushed her to the ER where they proceeded to give her an IV, take a urine sample via catheter, x-ray her chest, and poke and prod her. I wish I could have done more for her. She fought the nurses with everything she had. They had to bring in an extra person to hold her down. One of the nurses commented on her strength saying that we don't need to worry about her on the playground.

All of her tests come back fine. The ER dr said that he thought the rash looked viral, not bacterial, but give us an rx for antibiotics. I questioned him about why he was prescribing antibiotics if he thought it was viral. I asked if he thought she had a virus and a bacterial infection. He gave me a blank stare and said "just in case". It was after 1am and I was too tired to argue with him. I couldn't tell if he was trying to placate us or to cover his ass. I think it's time to switch to a more holistic pediatrician.

This afternoon my father informs me that my grandmother is in the hospital because she was having difficultly breathing. In fact she has been in the hospital since Thursday but he thought she would be out by now and didn't want to worry me by telling me about it. This is my 84 year old grandmother with one lung! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I went to see her this evening. Overall she seems to be doing well. They have the breathing problem under control. They are keeping her because they are now concerned about her heart. She's having a stress test in the morning.

I'm making a rule that no one else I care about is allowed to have any serious medial issues for the next 6 months. Everyone out there take note.

Day 2 - Final Day

2008-05-25T23:35:00.004-04:00

I woke up this morning at 7 with terrible stomach cramps. They got worse and worse. The only thing that helped was being in a hot bath. It lasted for about 2 hours. Then I was nauseous for another 2 hours.

This is thanks to the laxative tea I drank the night before. It's called Smooth Move and it's said to be more gentle then pure Senna tea. Because I had cramps on the first day I made last night's tea weaker. The cramps this morning was twice as bad as the morning before. The laxative tea is an integral part of the Master Cleanse, but it doesn't seem to agree with my body.

After sitting in the bath for over an hour I decided that this isn't going to work. I'm going to do some more research and find another detox program that doesn't involve laxatives.

It's too bad because the hunger problem I had yesterday had gone away. In fact I didn't want to eat anything. For lunch I made the vegetable soup that I have been thinking about all day yesterday. I almost vomited when I cut up the onion. It must have been the smell. I put a bunch of veggies in water and let them simmer. The soup was good.

Even though I only did the cleanse for 40 hours or so I feel like I have a lot more energy. It might have something to do with not eating dairy, so I'm going to avoid dairy products for the next couple of weeks.

Day 1

2008-05-25T00:32:00.003-04:00

I woke up this morning around 8. Since Skip and Zoe were out I thought I would stay in bed for awhile. That didn't work out so well. The Senna tea I drank the night before was causing my stomach to cramp. After going to the bathroom I felt much better.

Then I moved on to the business of drinking 32 oz of salt water. I was surprised that the taste wasn't all that objectionable. However, by the time I drank 16 oz I couldn't stomach anymore. I was feeling very nauseous. In the book, he calls this step the rinse cycle. It didn't work. I must need to drink more next time.

This morning I kept thinking what am I going to eat for breakfast and had to constantly remind myself that I'm going to eat anything. Same thing happened around lunch time. Then about 2pm hunger set in. It was bad. My stomach growled in protest. I wanted bread, pasta, crackers especially. Then it moved on to almost any food out there. I imaged someone handing me a head of cabbage. I could devour it raw right now and it would be the best meal I've had in months. I'm fantasizing about the vegetable soup I'm going to make to break the cleanse. It's going to be soooooo yummy. I'm going to have faith the food cravings will decrease in the next couple of days. If not, I don't think I can make it the full 2 weeks.

The lemonaid drink was also surprising good. I would drink it even if I wasn't cleansing. Today I drank 8 10-oz servings (about 2.5 lbs of lemons) and my lemon juicer broke...ha.

It's almost midnight. I feel completely exhausted. I'm going to drink my tea and go to bed.

Master Cleanse - The Night Before

2008-05-23T23:54:00.003-04:00

I officially start the Master Cleanse tomorrow. I'm very excited about starting the cleanse. After being pregnant and breastfeeding, I feel like I need to give my body a chance to recuperate. And I'm sure eating as much dairy as I do with a milk allergy doesn't help my general state of health. I've gained some inches over the winter and many of my new skinny clothes are tight. I'm hoping that they will fit again once I'm done cleansing.

We went to Veggie Garden for dinner tonight. That will be my last solid meal for at least the next 10 days. I'm a bit worried to see what it's going to look like on it's way out tomorrow morning.

My first cup of laxative tea is steeping. This is the first step. Should be ready to drink in about 5 minutes. I've never taken a laxative of any kind before. Tomorrow morning I drink 32 oz of salt water to "flush out" everything. This should be interesting.

I'm planning to do the cleanse for 14 or 15 days. I'll do my best to post everyday, but beware, from what I've read it's not going to be pretty, at least at first.

Rain Cloud

2008-05-22T16:33:00.004-04:00

I finished my first knitting sculpture.

More to come...

Important Things Gone Missing

2008-05-19T19:15:00.006-04:00

The past couple of weeks it seems like things keep disappearing.

It started one sunny Saturday afternoon when we had the patio door open to enjoy the weather. We thought that our cat Miro had jumped over the patio while we weren't looking. She has a tomcat that visits her often and we think she would like to hook up with him. After searching outside for almost 4 hours, I decided to trade my flip flops for tennis shoes. I opened the sock drawer and there was Miro taking a nap. It seems that one of two things happened: either Miro climbed into the sock drawer and Zoe closed it or Zoe put Miro in the sock draw and closed it.

Another night I was going through the mail and making piles. Skip makes fun of me about always making piles. One pile for bills, one for trash and another for shredding. As I was placing the trash pile and the shredded pieces in the garbage can I thought to myself "I hope I'm not throwing away something important." It turns out that I was. My wedding ring had slipped off my finger. When I realized that my ring was missing it only took me about 30 minutes of searching the apartment before I looked in the trash.

Then while we were on vacation in Colorado last week my cell phone disappeared. Turns out it was stolen. It was either taken in our hotel room or at a restaurant in Boulder.

So we're going through security at the airport and I take Zoe out of the stroller and carry her through the metal detector and I notice that her diaper had a major leak. After we get to the other side I take a closer look at she's not wearing a diaper. While we were stopped for gas on the way to the airport, I changed Zoe's diaper... or at least I thought I did. I'm hoping that Zoe took off her diaper before I had a chance to put her pants back on and I just didn't notice. I really hope that I didn't forgot that very important step of replacing the dirty nappy with a new one. I've had insomnia for the past couple of nights, but come on, this is crazy. I've never forgotten to put her diaper on before.

During the past two weeks my cat, wedding ring, cell phone and Zoe's diaper have all gone missing. If this were TV that would mean something about my life.

No Happy Ending

2008-05-08T20:37:00.003-04:00

This is a quote from the an article on BBC entitled Washington diary: Miracle needed

America loves a happy ending, but I am not sure whether Hillary is prepared to give the Democrats one

It's brilliant! And that is just one of the many reasons why I love BBC. I'm sure my fellow Howard Stern fans know what I mean.

A Moment in My Mommy Life

2008-04-22T18:23:00.003-04:00

Today, Zoe and I were at Babies R Us with our friends Giana and Keelin. Zoe was already tired from playing at the park and not having enough to eat for breakfast, and had a mini meltdown in the store because I wouldn't let her ride in the stroller they had on display.

She got a second wind when we got home and didn't want to nap. Fine. I found a tricycle for her on Craig's List that I needed to pick up at someone's house that was about 30 minutes from here. I figured she would fall asleep in the car. She was wide awake when we got there and the woman selling the tricycle wasn't home. We waited on their patio for about 10 mins, all the while Zoe was getting more and more tired. She also had a poop.

The woman finally gets home and we get Zoe's new tricycle - hurray! However, Zoe freaks out when she sees that I'm putting the tricycle in the trunk and not letting her play with it right away. I'm trying to get out of there as fast as I can, but before we can leave I have to change her poopy diaper. So I'm in the backseat changing her diaper when she takes her finger and pokes me right in the eye - and POP - out comes my contact lens.

I can't drive without my contacts, so there I am with poopy diaper everywhere trying to get my contact lens back in my eye with my pinky finger (the only clean one), and Zoe begins giggling hysterically and trying to poke my eye again. I turn my head to avoid Zoe's poking finger and this is even funnier to her, she thinks I'm playing a new game, and she starts head butting me.

After a bit of a struggle I get the contact back in my eye and finish changing the diaper. While this was all going on a car had pulled up behind me and a man had gotten out and went to the front door. It was the guy who mows the lawn. I look up and the lawn guy and the lady who sold me the tricycle are on the patio looking out at me. I can't image what they thought was going on.

One more anecdote from today. We had fixed veggie burgers for lunch and Zoe thought we were saying veggie boogers. She would put her finger in her nose every time we said burger. When we gave it to her she refused to eat. Go figure.

It is soooo nice outside

2008-04-16T22:16:00.004-04:00

The last couple of days have been so nice. It's been cool in the evening, sometimes getting cold at night, and mild and sunny during the day. I feel like Texas is having a "real" spring. I love this :)

In my mind I think of a Texas spring as that one day in April or May when you could drive with the windows down. I don't remember having ever experience a true spring growing up, but my memory is kind of spotty.

I've been in a great mood, too. I started thinking about how the weather effects so much of our day to day lives. When it's nice I spend more time outdoors; when we were living in the NE it took 10+ minutes to get bundled up every time we went outside during wintertime, and we avoided walking near the river because the winds would go right through 4 layers and chill you to the bone; when it's 105 degrees in Texas for the 30th day straight, you can't get me to leave the house before nightfall for anything; when great storms came through the area last week lots of people couldn't get around because so many large trees had fallen in the roads blocking their paths. Of course there's also the biggies that take life like hurricanes, tornadoes, blizzards, earthquakes and all the rest.

It's a powerful and amazing part of our everyday lives, and it's still part of nature that we have no control over. I think the reason so many people talk about the weather, check the weather sites everyday, and complain when the meteorologists get it completely wrong (again!) is to feel like we are participating in this unbiased phenomena that has such an affect on our lives.

On Hold

2008-04-12T00:07:00.003-04:00

I'm disappointed that I won't be able to start my cleanse until late May. The timing was just not with me on this one. I want to do this right and go the full 15 or so days.

Originally, I was going to start the cleanse when I got back from NYC. Well, Zoe came down with a high fever the night we returned which lasted 5 awful days. And on top of that I was sick with some kind of bug. I just today feel like I've fully recovered.

I was going to start it this weekend until I realized that Passover is a little over a week a way. I think my Bubbie would have a heart attack if I didn't eat anything at Passover dinner. Then the next week Skip, Zoe and I are going to WV to visit Skip's grandmother. Then we're off to Rocky Mountain National Park for some hiking in mid-May.

The new plan is to start the Cleanse on May 24.